~simple liFe....~

2009-07-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

Adam Lambert- Mad World (thanks to cousin Feeza's blog)
Those lyrics plays like a recorder in my head.
Its top in my playlist for now.

I just cannot stand the tiredness anymore.
I am just so tired and exhausted.
I dont feel like working.
But i can't afford to let those sales go by like that.
I have so any plans after Hari raya and i need loaads of Ka-chings..
I'm saving up for a short trip overseas and planning for my big 21st.
I want everybody to party even nenekakujugak.

2009-06-12T00:25:00.000-07:00

Why? I dont need all this. It just makes my revenge grow stronger. I dont know to who i wanna throw it all out. Isnt their words hurtful enuff in the past. Who izzit this time round? Don't make me your anger victim. Come on. Just face me and settle your scores with me. Don't take the simple way out. Are you out there to kill me.? I've suffered enuff. What else do i owe? What?
I wanna run away..From everything. Everyone cannot be trusted. Even myself. I think i'm too good for everyone. Too damned good.. You are no match for me and you r the cheap one here..F*** whoever you want..i dont even care. Just don't forget, there's always payback time for you baby..

t

2009-06-09T01:15:00.000-07:00

It came back. I can't seems to run away from them. It might sounds ridiculous. I hate to think bout it again. I think i'm crazy. I have this fire thats burning down deep. They humiliate me. They hurt me with words in the net. All i can do at that point of time is cry. I thought i could feel better but it hurts me more. Mak came to me, and all i did was to cry on her lap. Those words are harsh. The pain has turn into revenge. To an extend I wanted to kill a child. And I still do now. I feel like meeting them up and throw all my past anger and suferings. Those words keeping running tru like a film strip in my head. Her face, another her face, her voice.
I think this revenge is becoming worse.
I feel like crying.. and i am....

Bless me..

2009-06-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

Back! Lappie has been down for quite sometime.
I've missed out so many things.
New hippie stuffs happen, people come and go.
Wow, its just too much.
I just had my Business Practice Level 3 exams and it sucks.
I can't even do it. okok, i admit i studied last min. Which was the whole day of yesterday.
And when i get stressed up, I will definitely ,confirmconfirm cry. Ask people who knows me.
I have 1 more test to go tru which will be reveal later..

Syamsiah will be leaving company end of this week. She got a new job which I'm not sure whether to reveal it here. nvm. Whatever it is I wish her best of luck in any decision she makes.
Truthfully, i hate having to part with her. She's my work buddy. We planned what we eat, ladies at 6pm and 9pm. Her laughter, her snort, her smile, her clumsiness, especially when she squeeze my arms..AWWW i'm so gonna miss her. She is responsible for some changes in me.
Syamsiah Mashuri, kau jgn lupe nyanyi lagu Taufik Batisah versi Sarawak ,orang iban yang mcm aku nyanyikn untuk kau dulu tau..Aku sayang kau banyak2 dalam hati. Kau jgn lupe aku tau. Nanti kau tengok muke aku kat Tv time Hari Raye k.. Sayang Kau Syamsiah Mashuri yang pegi concert Sweet Charity hari Saturday malam dengan maknye!

I so wanna go for a short trip. Anywhere. In planning , Batam, KL or Bangkok.
But i have to wait till end of the year. First, i need to save up lotsa money. Secondly, i wanna wait for my bonus. Lastly I have exams middle of Dec. Darn...

It's like June already! Half the year. How fast time flies...
Somebody's birthday is just around the corner and my plans are all not working.
Problem is, lack of fund, and i have no one to assist me in making the birthday bash. I've not even bought a present. Since its just the person 20th, i dun wanna make a huge bash. I wanna celebrate our 21st birthday fucking hell the fun way! The problem now is what to get for that somebody.

Ok now i fucking so tired.
Layang-layang terbang melayang...
nyah! miukmiuk..

2009-05-09T02:10:00.000-07:00

Some people are just so fickle minded.
Its not easy
having to change my daily routine.
Its not easy
having to change the way i live.
Its not easy
having to deal with peoples talking.
And when i've nearly get use to my new ways.
Its seems like things are back to normal like the old ways.

This is not like some kids game.
This is a serious adult thing.
Its bout how you think, how you deal with it.
With how feelings make you react.
And in some situation, its dealing bout live and death.
Its not something you juggle about.
When things came tumbling down, You picked it up and start all over again.
Like as if you are practising before the show. No..
These feelings are fragile dude..
God create you, me , us with an organ called brains.
Think. HE wants us to think.
Think about every single tiny weeny bit of things in the world...

I feel like jumping down.
seriously..
I feel so FUCKED UP!

Drink anyone? please..

2009-04-22T00:10:00.000-07:00

My weekend was a blast! I never had a great weekend before this.
And i wouldnt asked for more.!
Saturday was Arab Street then Clarke Quay.
I was excited plus uneasy. I wouldnt want to mention it here.
It might create a misunderstanding. Those guys have really grown up.
Since we are in school they are always so funny and full of craps that will make me laugh my lungs out. They never change..
Sunday night after work was Marina Barage!
The place that i wanted to go so much! I was a simple surprise for me.
Meeting the ones that i cherish and love ,at a place so wonderful.
Everything was so beautiful.But sadly it was only for a short time..
I want to go there again.. pleaseee

I know i have friends who loves me .
Who cares for me.
Who loves me more than any of my boyfriend loves me.
Thank you all for every single day of joy and laughter.
The fact is, i love them too..
and i still love you.

2009-04-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

After 2 trials, now I've passed my BTT!!!!!
I am the most happiest person in the nation for now!!
Next is FTT . I'm sure i have to take it more than once.
I wish I dont have too.

Im addicted to the quizes on facebook.
At first i thought it was all lame.
But then its not..Im having fun with everything.
Some of them are funny.

I'm looing forward for Saturday. I can't wait.
Hopefully everything will go on smoothly.
Hopefully nothing will make me feel down.

2009-04-16T01:00:00.000-07:00

A man was punched in front of me at a traffic light .Ouch!
I was nearly being knocked down by a lorry, while crossing at the TRAFFIC LIGHT!
Green man on, he made an emergency brake, next to me. Damn..Fuckers!
Not even a hand of sorry,but staring instead.
Damn ,I think, Tanjong Katong junctions are cursed.
I'm still in a state of shocked.

Rain...I simply love the smell of rain. I had a few wet mornings lately. Luckily it rain after Ive reached my workplace. Listening to the sound of the raindrops hitting the window panes, soft thunder, sipping hot Milo as we had our morning gossips..Wow..Another new day starting.

Blocked nose.Heavy head. Damn..Fever's on the way..

I don't know what's in store for me next.
Surprises, shocked, I'm taking 1 day at a time. Time goes by slowly yet i have to endure it.
Ya Allah please continue to guide me...

2009-04-06T01:05:00.000-07:00

I was about to fell asleep in the train when the song that i'm hearing suddenly stop, followed by my ringtone.
Nope i don't recognise the number. Having doubts to pick up the call, i stared at it. hahahaha
Changing my mind thinking it might be something important, i picked it up.
Insurance? huh? Madzlan's daughter? Yes i am!
Boy u trick me. And boy i didnt expect for your call or even smses in the afternoon.
Damn you.

You are making things hard dude. I wanna move on.
If this is the way, hell no we ain't going anywhere.
Thank you for your company all the way, but i think its not right.
You said you gonna call back, but no im not gonna wait cause i know its gonna bring me down.
Come on , stop lying to me,her, and yourself.
You love to be on the phone with her. Admit it..

I have to control myself. I promised to myself that its not time yet for us.
The time has in fact ended.
I have to face the reality and so do you.
Everything is killing me inside..Slowly..
Its hard and i;m struggling..Can't you tell?
How am i suppose to deal with this???
AAAAARRGGGH..

"tiada yang lebih istimewa,
dari cinta yang luar biasa,
Lebih dari sebutir permata
kau menyinari segalanya"

2009-04-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

Blame me for being too soft inside.
Blame me for putting on hopes.
Blame me for making those decisions.
Yes blame me.
I admit, its hard letting go of everything.

I know i should'nt have gone there.
But i did.
Thinking that it could make things better.
But no. It didnt.
In fact it was the last.

On the way back home, everything seems so new.
The route im taking, the bus that i took, the blue chair.
It plays like a video in my mind.
These tears wont do any difference.
Its time i face the music.

I keep on telling myself that you'll come back around.
Ive been stressing to fall back in love with you.
Boy, damn i was wrong.
Ive gotta pack up and leave now.
I gotta be strong and leave everyting behind.

You will always be in my prayers dude.
I stay in live with you.

2009-04-04T04:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, another name. Don't ask why.
Lets all start on a fresh page.
So many things has happened,
Massive disaster.

Yes for the second time ,Ive fell on my knees.
I lost in the war named "love".
I'm done with him.
And for now its a never turning back story.
Yes, we used to the on and offs lovebirds, but now, its totally off.
Thank some of you out there, sending me couraging words.
Thanks to all who has always been by my side, helping me pull tru this breakdown.
Yes i still feel the pain, but some things are not meant to be kept long.
Yes i still miss the ex sometimes, but Ive gotta brushed it away.
I believe there's someone else out there better for me and better for him.
Hate him? No..I've never sow any hatred in me towards him.
We are still friends. Amazingly Yes , we are.
And BTW he has chickenpox for now..Hohhot

Moving on to other stuffs.
Work is still the same "yes, what size?" "Which colour?" "That will be $149.30 please" (kaching).
Yes First Lady..Nothing much on that.
School! Yes its hard.Even though I'm at chapter 7 now, I'm still revising on chapter 1!!
SO that means i don't catch up ! not yet!
Maybe i should take a few more day off.

Mum and Dad is out of town.
So me and the siblings are going out till late night.
Sadly no party, just making the house OURS!
And yes its 3.50am and i can't sleep.
Maybe still thinking what had just happened few hours ago.

And yesyes, i'm 20!!!! Haha..random la..
i miss blogging!!

2009-02-11T13:30:00.000-08:00

Abdul Roydzuan,

Im sorry for making you feel bad all this times.
Im sorry for making you feel disgusted by my words.
For shouting at you, for blaming you things you didnt do.
For not having full trust on you.
I know sorry wont make that heart heal so fast.
It might not even heal.
But please give me a second chance to prove that we can make things out.
Together. I miss those times where, we hold our hands tight, walking , laughing.
I miss those talk late at nights before we end our day.
I miss those hugs that you've stop giving me.
I miss those warm smooch on my forehead.
I miss those cuddles while watching teevee.
Mostly i miss you.
I miss you soo much..
And i love you more than i love my own life.
I waited 4 years for your love. For our story.
And i will still wait for it.
Your name, your face, is pounding with my heartbeat.
You made me what i am today and i will never forget who i was before.
Please give me another chance. Just one last chance.

If you are reading this..

Abdul Roydzuan,
We share 4 years of ups and downs together. And i am not ready to let everything go yet.
Even if its in a good manner. I dont want to beg for your love, I dont want to force your heart.
Please let the love you used to have back again and we can make things work out.
If we could give each other 4 chances why not try for another.
I love you..

2009-01-23T23:15:00.000-08:00

Ive got to share this with you guys.
Its cute and funny.

WATEVER IS WHAT IVE GOTTA SAY TO YOU.
Sometimes because of what you expressed in your space, might bring a different message to the people. I dont get it. You are not even a grown up, and you expressed something like that. EEEuuw...You are 1 disgusting SCHOOLGIRL!!
WHATEVER!
Remember the lady that you used to get help from?
Well you can tell her, that her staring aren't scary enough for me.
And she's not that "big" for me. Tell her if she were to messed around in my place,in my space, she's not gonna like what i have in plans for her.
WHATEVER!
And btw, both of you arent that wonderful.

Ayah's birthday is coming yet i dont have any plans.
My birthday is in a few weeks yet i am planning for Roy's birthday already.
I have to many choices and gifts in mind, and i have a hard time choosing what.
I dont expect anything big for my 20th. But i shall celebrate it the big way..

2009-01-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

NYE celebrations was simple. Marina Barage was full so we headed down to The Padang. Yes only both of us. Fireworks. bam bah boom, next was Makansutra.
We had Ikan bakar with rice and bbq chicken. Simple yet yummy.
Reached home at 4am.

A brand new year is here. Roy was asking what is my new year's resolution. Mine? Nothing.
I need to think harder for it.

4 years. It has been 4 years knowing him but yet there's more for us to discover.
I dont want it to stop. Cause you made me fall in love again.

Im turning 20 next month. 20! gosh..Fast.
How do i celebrate it?
And Ayah's bdae on the 31st Jan..
How do we celebrate it?

2008-12-28T23:09:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when you feel that you are alone, u need to cry.
When you get so stressed up, you need to cry.
When you get the feeling of losing your own mother, you need to cry.
When you know there will be unhappy moments coming up, u need to cry.
When there's no shoulder to cry on and warm hugs from your love one that you depend on,
You need to cry harder and louder.
And i am right now.

Allah,
Please cure her and stop all her sufferings and pain.
She has gone tru so much. I/we feel the pain too.
Please dont let those evil harsh talkings be heard by her.
Allah,
Take me as her replacement if you have to. Don't repeat those moments.
We can't bear to lose her.
Not now, not forever.
Ya Allah
Protect her , cure her.
Mak, Ain sayang mak sampai hati.

2008-12-24T03:30:00.000-08:00

Love can be a wonderful thing yet sometimes can be painful.
Memories can make you smile wide yet sometimes make you cry out loud.
I or rather both of us discover the "feel" of love.
I don't believe in "love at first sight" when it comes to issues of the heart.
Nearly 4 years. A period of time for us to "feel" the love between us.
Yes, its nearly 4 years since we first met. Love came knocking our hearts.
We both know what we want now.

The past are painful and still hurts but i dont persevere for nothing.
I am still determine to go on and focus on our goals.
Those tears are not coming back.Insyallah.
I waited so long for love to blossom between us.
The world is spinning around me now.
Our song is in the air.
Tears of joy flows down.
This moment will always be in me.

There's just so much for me to say to you but i can't tell it in words.
Your words, your voice, plays like a spoilt recorder.
I'll wait for you for certain.
I'll wait .

2008-12-19T23:40:00.000-08:00

Kak Faizah turns 24 today and so we made plans last night. First they wanted to watch Yesman movie. then it changed to having shisha. Lastly we headed down to Cafe Del Mar at Sentosa. The place was fantastic. Awesome. Cool breeze. Nice fingerfood, drinks, great babes = wonderful night. Laughing, dancing the night away. Eventhought it was our first night out together, we had fun. Having time to talk, getting to know each other, gets the 4 of us close now. Babes how bout another round of fun? I really hope the bdae girl enjoy herself with our dancing and jokes for her.

Luckily, thanks to aris that he picked me up at Vivo last night right after he finishes his work. We had a nice chat last night on the bike and before he sent me back home. But it was cut half way when mother shouted for me from upstairs. Sorry dude. Mak aku memang gitu tak tau malu.
I pray for your happiness dude. Dont worry, i won't ashamed you cause i know you are a great guy.
n aku sayang kau jugak! Thank you!

My BTT is on the 22nd of January. Ive been studying and doing practices everyday. I hope pass everything in just 1 take. I'm sure my life will change when i get my hands on the license card.

My weight seems to be the same and not going down more. I hate this. Ive been trying everything. Just name it everything. Thanks for the brainwash yesterday babes and i think i have so much confidence in me now.

Its hard to forget you if you keep on doing this way. Its not possible for it to happen.It will never blossom cause i still have him. And i am still trying to make it possible between us. Please dont ever think of it. Don't add in the pain im going tru right now. Perseverance is all im left with. Dont destroy it with words.

2008-12-16T00:20:00.000-08:00

My mind is going haywire now. I cant even think properly. I am sleepy but i cant sleep.
Like finally period is here and the cramp is unbearable. I wanna curl like a ball under the blanket but i wanna blog too. I told you i'm not thinking properly now.

I think i made the wrong choice, i opened up a new friendster account thinking i would be alright if i know the outside world once again. But the more i see those stuffs, the more i know smthing new, the more i met those people, the more i get anxious. I guess i am not ready to face the truth. It hurts seeing all the past. Slowly coming, piercing tru my small red organ. *sigh* It might be a small issue to some, but nah-ah its not to me. The truth that i can't bear to face it.

Im uttering nonsense. seriously.

And ohya, to you thanks for making me smile. Hope to see you around again.

Anybody wanna date me this Sat??

2008-12-07T00:40:00.000-08:00

All the hot people in the world...
I just opened up a new friendster account.
So add me !1 me me me me me me me!!!

He's out with his friends watching movies.
And i had a fucking damn day today..
The mood is off.!

2008-11-29T00:00:00.000-08:00

I am having two cats at home. How frustated can that be? I am very frustated now, at this very moment. Why?

ONE- 1 cat/kitten is already making the house a mess what more 2 of it . I even have to share my pillow with him. Its not that i dont like it but having a cat can be quite hard. Running around your legs,meowing in hunger. I even step on it a few times when he was a kitten. You have to keep a watch on it afraid it might fell of the window like what happen yesterday night.
He fell of the window. Kiddie found him at the corner of the stairs. Pity.
Just like a baby, when they were a kitten, they are so cute, so adorable, likes to be cuddle under your armpits. As they grow older and bigger, it gets naughtier, *" Senang kate makan hati beb!!!
Now my bed is gonna be full of cats.

SECOND- People change at times, without noticing it. Seeing that someone you know so well for 3 years change infront of your eyes, might just hurt you so much. They wont notice it and might not even admit it. It irritates me having to live my life in their way. It irritates me if things happen for a few times. It hurts me if they ignore me and left me feeling dumb. Sorry becomes so cheap from the lips. Sometimes i dont feel appreciate for what ive done and im asking myself why should i even be here standing and waiting for a person like that. They utter " i love you"s " i miss you", but their lifes,their friends,their feelings, are the most precious things they care for. They might not need somebody like me who has been the one tiring myself out. Ive been trying to make things happen and better but they dont care. Im tired of waiting and in the end im the one who loses out in this game. I'll just stand aside. Come to me if u need, love me.
"Kau hancurkan aku dengan sikap mu,
tak sadar kah kau telah menyakiti ku."

THIRD- I am just so in love with him..AAAAhhh Those eyes, melts me..
NK PELOKK!!!

MARRY ME PLEASE...

2008-11-26T23:10:00.000-08:00

Ive been sitting infront of this lappie for the past 3 hours or more, trying my best to edit and put those pictures into one masterpiece of my own. This place has turn dusty after not updating for a period of time.
I dont have the time to update now cause i have not had my bath from this morning and i stinks..Time check its 11.05pm.
The bf's going out and once again im left alone without him putting me off to sleep. I dont know how long i could put up with this kind of relationship. Patience is the element.I've got to be patient.
Ive been patient for the past 4 years yeh...
*sigh*... Love is blind baby...Love is blind.....

Ann Roan

2008-08-09T23:37:00.000-07:00

If things are not meant to be yours, it will never be. Its never to simple for me to handle relationships. For 3 years,I've been trying my best to make things work out. To make things happen. Knowing him better is to love him deeply. Now i realised, you've got to be ready to be in love.

I'm gonna miss that kiss on my forehead. You caressing my hair, you warm hands, on my face.
I miss those days. And im gona miss it more.

Its gonna be hard. But i think my decision is final. Lets make it happen....
I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU...

2008-08-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

I read an article about poverty in Africa. It made made me cry. There's a picture showing a old lady making cookies using salt,water and mud. Then she will let it to dry under the sun. She will then sell it for like 12cents each. We can just dumped unfinished food,throw it away if its not nice while it's hard for them to even find a grain of rice. Buy a new packet of lunch while there's still leftovers from yesterday meal in the fridge where we can just reheat it. Take our own sweet time shampooing our hair with the showers on while they have to bathe, drink, cook using the same dirty patch of water. We are living in a place where we can get everything. We either have to pay for it before having it or use it before paying it at the end of the month. This place pampered us too much. Imagine if we have to switch places with them. We might cry for not having the things we have and wasting it while they are enjoying themselves, forgetting us in their place. It saddens me.Thinking of the things Ive wasted in the past. I don't take the examples from people. It starts with me. I admit I've been shampooing my hair while the water hits my back massaging me. It sucks right? I'm trying to change my ways of splurging,wasting slowly. I know its gonna be hard.But I'm gonna try anyway.

A few months ago, a friend ,told me about adopting a child. She adopt two boys that she called her own. She said that those kids in the homes would cry, sob by their beds every Lebaran morning if no one comes to take them home. Since that day she took one of them home. She's not married and are often being asked whose kids are they, she'll reply" I'm a single parent". How strong of her to face people's talking. People were like accusing those kids her results of having sex with her past boyfriend. Her ex left her since she took one of the boys home without discussing with him first. She had them since they were still newborn. Their parents either didn't claim them at the hospital or dump them outside the home's gate, leaving them to freeze in the night. Cruel human beings. Ever since that meeting with her, i dreamt of having kids in the house. I had a chat with Mak and Adik a few days ago bout this and they agree with me in adopting a little boy for Lebaran. If i could afford the cost and procedure, i am determine to adopt a boy for a week. Mentally i am ready, so are the rest. If there's any information about adopting or any one looking for adopting parents..Please give me a call . I'm willing to take them rather than they are being left in the cold to die by irresponsible parents. Or thrown down the rubbish chute.

Lets all take a minute out of our lives to pray for every human being who are out there waiting for help. Those victims of natural disasters. Those who lives with poverty. Those whose homes were destroyed bringing the souls of their families together. Who lost their precious belongings, family members and memories.
Lets give them a space in out hearts. Pray for their well-being.

2008-06-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

Its like finally.
I get to sit and blog and hopefully i finish this.

So whats up?!

Alot of things are up..
First things first.
HAPPY 19TH TO ABDUL ROYDZUAN!!!!
YEH! Its 19th baby! Like finally right? But u slept early on ur birthday!!
Im sorry i can't be there for u since both of sus are working. I'll make it up to you.
Happy birthday boifey!

I seriously , am so, tired.
Sometimes i just feel like quiting but I don't know when? I just can't leave things like that.
I have my own responsibilities there. I love the people around. Whatever it is i need a way better job then this. I have stock-taking day this coming Monday. And so the whole store is like busy and running around. Boxes of clothes. Tapes and strings to tie those bundles of clothes.
My hand are soar. Lifting heavy bundles up their storage.
Luckily there's Faiz to help us out. Thanks dude. That guy just makes our day. Especially his laughter. He laughs like a horse btw..
Last week was a trip to Batam. Our intention was to try out their new spa that just opened.
Then i had my period on the day itself. So we headed down to their new shopping centre which was unbelievable CHEAP!
I was like going crazy. So Spa was cancelled and we decided to do it probably next month.

I was bitten my CT till i bleed on one particur night. Hailed a cab at 1.30 am to a private clinic. It hurts damn. I dont wanna blamed anyone for this scarred leg . Ive ben keepig things to myself and being silent after the incident. I dont think they need my advice nor hear my voice in this house. It hurts more seeing those scars. Forget it. whatever it is, they are still my mother and sister. arrgh...
i need a break thinking about them. They tire me out more.

2008-04-16T23:45:00.000-07:00

Its gonna be a long week ahead.
I have 1 day off for this week and upcoming week.
We are lack of staffs and so i have to sacrifice my sleep.
So hopefully we'll get someone fast to take over me.

Since Roy has started school and he has no class on Fridays,
i took Fridays as my permanent off days starting next week.
So i could make Fridays our must meet up day.
Right Roy?
BTW thanks for dropping by and leave a tag.
And thank you for the evening just now.
I appreciate it.
I still miss you laaa...

Congratulations to Nin Sulaiman and Wife, Suria, for the new coming second baby boy!
May the baby brings good luck to your business and blissful marriage ahead..

2008-04-07T23:43:00.000-07:00

"You leave me breathless
You're everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can't believe that you're mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you're leaving me
Breathless"

I realised i owe a lot of dates with my friends!
I still owe tanning with Ama kuros giler babi.
*Ama lets skip the tanning cause i work really hard to have this fair skin.
And i hate sun.
Lets eat can? ahhhahah
*Diana and Haikel a meal.
*Sincai babe for free gym sessions.
Lastly, Roy.I really wanna a real date with you soon..

Period always makes me hungry.
I have so much on my list of "want to eat".
burger king
mutton chop
mee soto
lasagne
sup tulang.
and the list goes on.
Roy might give up on me 1 day due to this cravings.
WOW!

I am simply exhausted.
And i miss you.

2008-04-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

Something happen at work today that made me sit, think and cried silently.
Not everything's in this world is perfect. Not humans, not money, not feelings nor love.I tried being perfect in many ways. But im not even close to perfect. But im thankful enough that i hve everything.
I've realised that i think,i guess, i know that ive made a big mistake that may left me feeling regret in later days..
There's just something not right.
I know about it, but im not sure how to explain things in a proper manner.
What happen today was indeed a lesson to be learnt.

Ama dropped by to say hai.
You are seriously kurus, sexy nk mampos!!!!
Jst by having 1 meal a day, waking up at 3pm..
I am always envy of you!
She had the most perfect tweenteen birthday party.
Most importantly, she has friends that are always for her..
You are one lucky nak mampos giler babi babe..
ANDANDAND....
i love you la///

Roy's out of town. i do feel his absence.

2008-04-01T23:50:00.000-07:00

"So, i won't hesitate no more, no more,
it cannot wait i'm sure
there's no need to complicate our time is short
this is our fate, i'm yours"

It has been long ive been abandoning this blog of mine.
I really cant find the time to sit and really blog about those past days.
But now with the company of a packet of milo drink, i shall blog.
Work is fine especially after i remind myself that i need to love the job so that the money i get
will be much appreciated.
I need to love waking up early. i need to love everyone. Most importantly, i need to love myself.
I need to really love myself even if no else do.

Ive planned to take up driving lessons instead.
I have to plan my financial properly this time.
No more over-shopping.
No more buying what i dont need.
I need to feel my hard earned money fully.
I need to achieve something that i really treasure.
And im doing it!

Talking about financial, im thinking of opening an account with OCBC.
POSB withdrawal machine are not easily available, so at least i have other atm cards to withdraw if i cant find a POSB atm.
Plus at least i could save up once again.

If u really cannot commit , then u should sit and think.
Like i said, i should deserve better treatment then what i received now.
Its not fair. Totally not fair.
I want you to do what you should do not doing it after i tell you bout them.
I feel like giving up everything i have right now.
If freedom is the word that leads you to heaven, then tell me.
If the old me is the thing you wanted the most, im sorry, it'll take time.
Im sorry for always making you hurt sometimes,but i guess it is all a lesson to take.
trust me, its gonna take a lot of courage,patience ,strenght and time.
If really the feeling is there, you or rather we wont be hesitate to go far..
Deep down below there's still love for you...

2008-03-03T23:35:00.000-08:00

its the day ive been waiting foor soo long..
today is my off day and so is tomorrow.

i did the laundry by dumping the clothes in the washingmachine and spent the whole day lying on Anis's thin mattress outside, infront of the teevee.
watching hikmah at 4 till i doze of once again.
I was suppose to meet Roy after he finish working but then i was too tired cause i was running around the shop yesterday.
The crowd was unbelievable.
i had to attend to 3 customers at a time. okok, it is normal but this time the customers are the ones who are not normal.

They are the makciks2 who dont keep the word patience in their vocabulary.
Shouting to my ears, giving me the attitude face..
Well being me and not polite at all, i decided not to serve them.
One got fed-up, she and her family walked away complaining to among themselves.
Serve them right la eh..
At the end of the day, i was halfway asleep while doing closing paperwork.

Pay day is soooooo near..
its like in 2-3 days..
*sniffs* money...
I had started jotting out my shoopping list for this month.
I guess i had to put some stuff aside first.
When it comes to payday,
i always felt so pressurize..
With that amount of money, i will NEVER be able to keep some for savings.
I am trying to but i cant..
I think it makes no different with me working or not.
Im waiting for the day i quit.

Abg Shafiq(the cisco next door) has ended his service for our company last week.
Its sad. We did a tiny weeny gdbye celebration for him..
Things are definitely not going to be the same with him not around.
We are sooo gonna missed him..

I reallyy need a getaway.
Bali, Bangkok, Hong Kong, New Zealand..
nearest- Langkawi, KL...

haiiiz...

2008-02-25T23:53:00.000-08:00

Surprisingly..

Apparently..
They still hasnt quit wanting more.
Great.Cause me too, cant wait for the ending.
To still think , they still care, to know what i am up to.
Or wondering am i still in love...

Too bad sweethearts, i played this game long before you guys did..
And sadly for u guys, i am still DEEPLY in LOVE...

Well with open arms, i am gladly to welcome you back, in the playpen.
Just signal when u think u are ready.

Cute little ones like you all, dont deserve any words.
Bashing those little love ones that you u is inocence, might make you sit and rethink of what u did..
AND btw, get everyone involve cause crowds makes me stronger...

2008-02-19T08:38:00.000-08:00

i got these....cute cuter cutest, cutey pie..
thanks handsome sis..
ooops i mean lovely sister.. i love you la eeeh...

2008-02-18T15:40:00.000-08:00

Its my birthday !!!! yesterday!!!
But im still in the mood to party..
being 19 is like hmmm... bluek...
I hate the number 19...it reminds me of ......
nevermind..

but yesterday after work party was a blast..not only i received dedications via radio...i receive wishes from the whole 2nd Chance company even from those whom i am not close with..
Plus i was drench at the end of the night..Luckily i brought extra clothing with me....
cold colder coldest...

i was making plans for today.
east coast..but Roy couldnt take the day off.
DLB O, but with who?
Get drunk but pay day is way too far to cover for the loses later..
none of it works so here i am having my foot masage in the foot bubbles massager...

Sweet sister of mine bought me turtles softtoy ..at least it keeps me away from missing my lost terapin that ran away from its bowl...:(
She also bought me a big lollipop that acts as a massager on ur back..
cool and cute...its exactly wat i need...
Ayah bought me shoes..
thanks ...
Roy had chocolates for me.
sweet sweeter sweetest

A year more to go and i am 20! how fast...
i was just 17 ,2 years ago. and reach legal last year.
Awww....
fast faster fastest...

im gonna be 1 happy lady this week..
happy happier happiest....

thanks for all wishes via emails, friendster comments/message..
presents, phonecalls,smses,dedications,water splash,hugs, smiles..
everything!!!
thanks thank you thank you all very much....

Im 19!!!!!!!happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-05T11:19:00.000-08:00

"""""IF A MAN WANTS YOU> >

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve ,
then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.

Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man. Oh Lord!

If he cheated with you, he'llcheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you, ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...notsupplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone SMILE, another RETHINK her choices, and another woman>PREPARE.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

BY THE WAY, THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A MAN""""

I was browsing tru my friendster message and i found the above from Roy's sister.
Eventhough the date stated 04/10/2007, i still kept it in the inbox.
And "the above" made me RETHINK.

Mayb i want something else. NOT someone else.
Something nice, different, new.
How do i elaborate this in words...hmmm
alright..i want something much more sweeter than what i have now.
Im just a normal human created by up above.
And every of his human creations are not perfect.
And im sure everyone, every single one, wants something more than what they have now.
They wants something higher.

In my words.i want something else means..
I want that moment, where things goes perfectly awesome.
With nothing that can stop the moment.
The moment of perfection.
I missed those days.
Where tears dont shed.
Songs of sadness dont sing.
Hatred dont bloom.

I know you are there/here.
but you seems far.
i cant feel you.
near

I want..
The tears of joy.Tears of laughing too much.
Songs of happiness. Friends.love
Feeling missed.

I long for that moment.
BUT working 12 hours a day can't bring myself to moments like that.
And the other half, is enjoying without giving what i want into consideration.
Call me selfish, ego,too much.
but i missed it..

i missed him.
i missed us.

i missed YOU.

2008-01-29T22:32:00.000-08:00

1 month and im back..

the lappie was having some problem with the ..

What has been happening lately.?
My results have been out last week.
I passed!
and ive sent an application to Dover ITE to proceed for my higher nitec cert.
I shall just wait and see.

Work work work with only two days of off days.
one word-tired.
I just need someone to massage my back and legs.
But at the end of the month , its worth the money.
I cant wait for it..

I had less time for Roy.
Feeling tired and drawing near to period always makes me angry..
So who is my victim for me to throw my tantrums?
Roy of course.
Pity him.
sorry for throwing tantrums at you lately.
i'll make it up to u ,alright..
Btw thanks for the meal and fried mars bars..
Its as sweet as you..

I am sick and tired of coming back home after work to find my sister and CT my cat .
Why? because the fight over little things
When the sun is shinning , they will even share a tub of Ben And Jerry's Turtle soup ice cream together..
When times are bad, they'll fight, like hell..N i am soo irritated by Anis evil laughter and CT whinning and crying.. She is such a big bully. Anis Anis.

Im hungry.

2008-01-03T00:20:00.000-08:00

i have BIG plans...

food:checked
prices: checked
location:checked but not confirm.

But I'm starting to have second thought.
Is everything worth it?
Is the occasion necessary?
Is he gonna like it?
Should i tell him what i am planning?
Should i continue?

If i doesnt turn out to be what i planned for then i;ll just make a simple one.
That will do, i guess..
Even if he dont remember the special day.
shhh..i hope he wont read this...

2007-12-31T22:40:00.000-08:00

This might be a long entry..

A new year is begining in a few hours.
And this is the last entry for the year.
07 have definately brings joy ,laughter and tears for me.
But im thankful my love ones are still here with me.

Fun at school was never like the year before.
Friends to keep my laughter going on from morn till afternoon.
Dateline for projects and assignments to rushed for.
Hectic + fun =School...

Love life..
I had the most fucking horrible days..
Because of a lie that created a big molehill,
I , the dumb one, was embarrassed in the world web.
I, the stupid one, was cheated umpteen times.
I, being the too patient one, was being spit by hurtfull words.
Too think back, everything was a disaster.
I was down with anxiety attacks, glue sniffling, dose of drugs..
All because of love.
It still hurts till now..
But it is all a lesson to be learn.

Work life.
Nearly 5 months now and it fun.
more to tiring..
I shall welcome 08 and my upcoming 19 bdae with warm smiles and hopefully everything is gonna be wonderful and colorful like 07 but no heartbreaks please..
As i promise, these are my staff's night pictures..

have fun and happy new year

2007-12-25T15:30:00.000-08:00

Its like FINALLY!

The laptop is back!
It has been like 3 weeks..
3 long weeks without it.
And for 3 loong weeks what am i busy with?
WORK..Working full 12 hours most of the time.
Back home at midnight..Sleep.
Next morning the same thing happens.
Work, seeing different people meeting the same people at work.
Home sleep. What else can i do?

Its my off day on public holiday!
Just what i needed.
I had my first proper meal of rice and dishes just a few minutes ago.
Heaveeeen...
I have been eating junk foods at work.
McDonald, KFC, LJS..Coffee Bean..Popcorn and ice-cream before closing..
And, packets and packets of INSTANT NOODLES.
my hair is starting to fall. and i gotta stop eating them..
But what is a must is that i must have my daily soya bean drink bought at Haig Road.
Heeeaveen....

So many things happen during the 3 weeks.

Staff night was a blast!
I really had fun especially during dinner.The desert was...

HEAVEEEN....

But most of the boring time were spent taking pictures by the pool side.
Cool..and not forgetting meeting cute guys.. :)

Farhan bdae pit was awesome..totally awesome..
Great food, great company, greta fun, but lack of sleep..

Days with love was better.Better then the past.
Hopefully things will somehow stay this way.

Things to do on my off day:
Day 1:

Wash all my work clothes.
watch teevee.
Eat as much as i can.
Recover the number of hours i lost my sleep.
new bedsheets.
Check emails/friendster/msn
Blog reading.- i missed so much news.

Day2:
meet love for a wonderful time.

I guess thats what i have in mind for the time being.

Congrats to Kak Yana for passing her Class 3 licence..
Sorry to her and love for not being able to attend the dinner yesterday.
We'll meet some other time. Insyallah.
Now we shall wait for love to have his class 3 license.
Don't make me wait to long sweetheart..

I have $8.26 in my bank.
$10 and a few cents in my wallet to survive 1 more week till pay day.
oh God..i guess this is what some working people are going through..

I shall stop here and i'll upload the pictures next time ya..

btw..
love...i still love you sweetheart.

2007-12-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

The Bottom Line
Now it is time you slowed down forward momentum. Let others pursue you today.
In Detail
Living on the fast track can be exciting and rewarding, but right about now it is time you slowed down your forward momentum. You can wait a few days to return those phone calls or emails -- why look so eager? Let the other people involved show their willingness to put forth some effort. You should be courted and pursued right now, not the other way around. You need to be reminded that you are a prize that is worth winning -- and working for.

Interesting!

My laptop has some kind of virus that unables me to on it.
Darn.
So now i'm at Kuzzin Lenggang aka Shafizah crib's using her laptop while she's out shopping!
And Shae's taking her shower.
I have Savage Garden-Truly Madly Deeply, on Feeza's playlist.
Sorry for opening up your songs huh..
I have the ITE web page. Reading through the procedures and requirements of the courses.
Blogger in another tab.
Friendster in another page.

Things to be done before the pay runs out of my pocket.
-Presents, presents, presents..
Who do we have in the list of December babies>
. The Zailani families
: Cik Saripah - 12 December
: Shaelyana Bte Zailani-16 December
: Shafizah Wydiana Bte Zailani- 25 December
Not forgetting>
My own sister.
:Nur Anis Bte Madzlan-14 December.
That already took half of my salary.

Dates:
. Diana
. Azian
. WNN peeps
. Sanso chai
and of course.
.more dates with Boifey.

I gtg now.Leaving with Shae..Ill blog again when i find a laptop.yeh

Take care everyone..

2007-11-22T01:04:00.000-08:00

i am multi task-ing now.
Updating this getting-not-interesting blog.
Update my psp.
Listening to new songs lyrics.

BUT...

In my mind is..

What to wear for work this Weekends especially this Fri.
What to wear to Staff's Night.
When to buy the right dress since i have no time to shop..
What should i buy for Farhan's bdae..
Soo many things. so little weeny time

Why am i soo free to do attend to all this stuff?
Coz holidays are on the way!
Ive finish my workpieces.
Ive finish my assignments.
My projects.
Surveys.
Tests.
All done!!

Im ready for work now!..
But i need this 1 week of rest...hahha

For now im having a headache..
feel like vomitting..
Boifey's out fishing .
im off to sleepp..

2007-11-17T01:42:00.000-08:00

Its hard being a daughter.
Its hard being a filial daughter.
Its hard being the perfect daughter.
Its hard being a daughter and has to stand alone.

But I've tried my very best.

My very very very best in becoming your perfect daughter.
My very best in making you love me.

You can shout, scream, pull my hair or whatever it takes to ease your anger away.
Let me be you punching bag.
Let me be deaf my your screams.
Let me be blind by the tears.
Let me bear your pain.

Cause it hurts me deep.
It hurts me seeing you like that.
It hurts me really hard.
It's like thorns piercing through my soul.
Yes my soul.

Even if you have hurt me deeply, i'll perish those feelings for you..
cause you are....

My Mak forever.....

If ever you stumble upon this entry,
I just want you to know that i've always love you whatever happens.
If i was given a choice by God , I am prepare to give my life away,
if that is what that makes you happy and could keep you smiling.

i love you always.

2007-11-10T00:06:00.000-08:00

"I think i like you.
I know you like me too.
But we both choose to remain silent.
I know there's boundaries between us and we cant make it far.
So lets keep on liking each other in silent.
Cause i think it's better for us and them."

I ran into on of my colleague's blog and guess what i saw!..

She secretly took my picture, when i was talking to one of the staff. No one knows it until we saw that picture. But its nothing mushy, just asking for forgiveness.. Nyahhahah.... Sweeet huh...

2007-11-09T22:36:00.000-08:00

Call this love at first sight.

Call me crazy for falling in love with you.

Call me insane for staring at your eyes every night.

People's talking wont bring both of us down.

Our age gaaaap won't make things impossible

All i know is that im in love with you.

YeS you.Jonathan Rhys Meyers.!!!

(Perasan giller kn..tapi tkpe..)
My love is all for you..

2007-11-06T23:43:00.000-08:00

Bottom Line
Do not doubt the thoughts that are flying around in your head today. Trust them.
In Detail
The good news for today is that you have a totally accurate idea about what you are dealing with -- and what you will have to start dealing with soon. There is no need to doubt the thoughts that are flying around in your head right now, even if other people are telling you that you're being dramatic (or paranoid). It's not true at all -- you are right on target. You are right about your suspicions. Act on your convictions and be aggressive about what you want to accomplish.

I got the above from Friendster. And my mind was thinking bout something. Like what the above mention. But what i should do when i dont even know whats the commotion all about above here. ( pointing the head ).
There is something going on and is going to happen. But what? I have been cracking my head and squeezing my brains juice out but i cant seems to get the answer. The strange thing is, i know, i realised the answer is right in front of me but i am trying to get away from it. Trying to run away rather than facing it. Solving it. I know it has got to do with something that i got to make a decision. I could only see the shadow of it but not really the whole thing. It seems foggy. Aarrgh. Yah call me paranoid but i just cant put this "bug" that is bugging my head, in words. Its hard to explain. iTs ok. Just drop the subject. Ive been running in circles. Arrgh This is Life!

I realised a minute ago that credit cards,nets in detail, money, cash, really plays am important part in my life. Yes MY life. It's not that i am money-minded or "mata duitan" but seriously, i think i 've pampered myself too much all this while. Ive been too soft with myself. Yes with myself. I need to slow down my pace on financial.
btw, Why am i writing all this??
arrgh Again, this is life.Pathetic.

2007-11-05T22:30:00.000-08:00

I have 3 more weeks of schooling and i can hear working days calling me.. I was late for school as usual this morning. Cikgu was rushing to collect all our workpiece when i realised that i've only done 1 !!!!!! And i have 2 more to go. So i was rushing to do my 1 piece. Drilling holes, grinding them into sizes and now i'm left with two. Luckily the third 1 will only take me 1 hour, if i concentrate.

Then its displine time. I have to wake up early everyday,ON TIME, to go to work. Im not whining but how fast time flies, and I cannot treat it like school. Its the real world i'm facing out there. But what makes me damned tired , is the journey. 1hour 15 mins or sitting in the bus, was spent sleeping. With earpiece stuffed in both ears, music blasting loud, i slept, ignoring the smells of leaves and armpits. Wwhat do you expect when you are riding bus 67 ? Wooohooo.. Smells, loudness of voices, underarm natural scents, eyes on every inch of your body. I just cant be bothered. All i want is sleep and more sleep.
But what i like most is the journey back home, in the bus, looking outside the window where i can see lots of night activities. I dont know why but ihave this feeling of wanting to go out and explore those "red light" places. hmm..I found them interesting.
Wwhatever it is, i am soo looking forward for working days...

2007-10-31T23:18:00.000-07:00

Attention to Zuhairi, staff of semuenye and Syima, staff of FL2..Sesungguhnye, aku si biol nie telah meng-add korng ber-due ye.. slamat berbahagie.. Oh btw, happy belated legal day syima!!
jumpe on Sat nanti ye...

Sesungguhnye, like what Hairi tagged, 'walaupun bersedih, ko tetap ingt pasl makn". I went to have dinner with Mr Boifey. Like i said i was craving for my "Chicken French Burger' at Burger King. So, we went to westmall to have them. And i was super satisfied with my meal. Plus, i got 2 pieces of mozzarella cheese FOC..You guys should try them. The 7-inch chicken fillet, the mayonise, the melting cheese, the slices of chicken ham under two ,7-inch "breads"..Super delicious. I once try it in Malacca and i keep craving for it. Now that they've brought it in, I am so gonna drag Boifey whenever i crave for it. OOPs but not always, coz starting next week, i am working out my fats.

Ive discussed it with boifey and he agreed to play badminton with me! Yup..Badminton..Abit of running..I hope i'll slim down in this way. Food wise, i am trying my best not to enter the kitchen. Nyah..yup.no entring the kitchen for junk foods anymore. Only small meals and looads of plain water. :)

Mayb what we talked about was true. Like what i kak nadya say
"In order to move on, You gotta learn to let go.Let go of all the heartaches, Let go of all the grudges, Let go of all the miseries,But for once, Dun ever let go of the memories.By not admitting your past, Its as bad being ashamed of your true self"
(Sesungguhnye, aku telah me-repeat phrase ini buat kali kedue.)

Just give me time, Im sure everything work out well. Insyallah.

Andandand, i have five more weeks of school (yet i still have so many workpiece to be handed.) and im out. Arrgh cant wait for next year. New school, new friends, new experience.
new memories. woohoo.

2007-10-30T23:41:00.000-07:00

I received an email from Kak Nadya today, as in 30th October. I am so honoured that she took minutes off her time, just to reply and advice me. Kak Nadya's entries, has always been soo inspiring. From the day i bloghop onto her blog, ive found a place to make me read and smile at the same time, find a moment of peace. Her blog has always been something valuable in my life. Every single entry, every single word, is an advice and means soo much to me.

"In order to move on, You gotta learn to let go.Let go of all the heartaches,
Let go of all the grudges, Let go of all the miseries,
But for once, Dun ever let go of the memories.
By not admitting your past, Its as bad being ashamed of your true self"

"To Love Is Not To Own. To love is to make sacrifices.
To love is seeing that someone you love happy,
Even if it means, seeing that someone you love happy with someone else"

I thank Allah for having to stumble onto her blog.
Thank Allah for having someone who means so much to me.
Thank You Kak Nadya.
Thank Allah for Kak Nadya.

Now, i am soo craving for Burger King's new menu Chicken French Burger.
Andandand...Kak Ain's Chic & Cheese spring rolls..
hmmmm..real good food should go along with great company..

2007-10-27T00:14:00.000-07:00

Kak Nadya, alhamdullilah, you did what major of your readers advise you. I hope i did the right thing by mailing you, expressing what i've been keeping in heart for soo long. Insyallah may we get to now each other better after this.My prayers are with you.

School has been hectic. Ive been trying to get to school on time but as usual i will always failed to do so. I only have 5 weeks more before i end my second year of Nitec days. I can't wait for everything to end. I have several of metal pieces uncut for my project. I must try to go for P.E. I must try attend ALL lessons. I can make it. But i feel the laziness la seeh..
Weekends as normal are spent working. Boifey too, has found a job at Aldo Vivocity.And this means good news to me. I "could" drag him with me to find a new bag for me, and at the same time , get good discounts. Can i sweetheart?. Pity that guy la..hehhe..

Ohya, my mother once said, once a guy start to compare or praised other chick, you either leave him or you CHANGE. i must change. This weight thingy is driving me crazy. I really gotta do something bout it. And i just had two bottles of Yakult to cleanse my stomuch.

To you, thanks, your words are encouraging. Insyallah, may we meet one day. Keep those emails coming.

2007-10-15T01:05:00.000-07:00

Sesungguhnye..
I dun have the time to update..
Sesudahnye..
Blog terbengkalai..(melayu sungguh)
Sesungguhnye..
I am soo tired..
Sesudahnye..
I still have to work this saturday..
Sesungguhnye..
I've made looads of friends since work..
Sesudahnye..
Semue giler..
Sesungguhnye..
I didnt even take a photo of myself during first day of Hari Raye.
Sesudahnye..
People miss out looking at my wonderful hair colour..(perasaan giler)
Sesungguhnye..
Advertisement kluar muke aku yg mcm kuih apam..
Sesudahnye...
Aku dh jadi celebrity terkenal antare kaum Umat Islam..nyah!
Sesungguhnye..
I went dating with the boyfren and i got Anna Sui's wallets...
Sesudahnye..
i love him more and aku happy gilerr.
Sesungguhnye..
Entry nie takde motive langsung..
Sesudahnye..
Tapi tkpe, sebab tgh happy nye pasal..
Sesungguhnye..
Selamat hari raye maaf zahir dan batin too all my readers...
Sesudahnye..
Klau masih ade rase iri hati and dengki..
Kau memang tk setaraf dgn aku la eh..
boleh ddk bawah ketiak laki ko la eh..
Keseluruhan sesungguhnye dan sesudahnye, seindah bahase..
SUMPAH AKU TKNK GI SKOLA!!!

2007-09-26T22:40:00.000-07:00

Waking up at 3.30pm. i had my off day today. Went outside,but noone is back yet. i sat down on the sofa drinking a cup of hot milo, switching on the radio. aaaahh..After days of working, sitting home is heaven. I realised that ive missed out a lot of shows on teevee. And Eid Mubarak is just around the corner and my house is still not started to ready yet. Work was and is so much fun plus tiring. I got to meet loads of people with different types of attitude. All kinds of faces, cute dudes, beautiful ladies, celebrities and not forgetting babies! Cute chubby babies..aaahhh. peaceful..I am looking forward to work tomorrow.

i am asking myself what happen yesterday.

Perhaps things happen for thousands different reasons.

It was as easy as clicking your fingers, as you say those lines.

After all that i have gone through.

I tried my best to pick up those bits myself after it torn.

Like a puzzle, i tried to put it back, nicely,

so that it will develop that picture once again.

I went through everything thinking that you were with me all along.

But yesterday, when i turned,i realised i was alone all this while.

You were back there having the fun of your life, without even giving it a try.

I am soo dissapointed in you.

You've smudge the picture that ive tried to match all this while.

It may be easy for you to say it end, but as much as it hurts you,

it hurts me even more. And ive been trying to make it better.

Like a saying,

" A brokenheart is like a bended rod, no matter how much you try to straightened it, you will never get it back to normal."

Probably its time for me to keep silent. Let time create our story.

I won't force your feelings. Lets just start from the bottom.

Lets just start from when we used to date.

Start from square 1.

I pray for your happiness.

Do whatever it takes to make you happy.

And whatever it takes to keep this relationship going on.

Gdluck sweetheart.

2007-09-19T00:07:00.000-07:00

I am still soo worn out. All i need is more sleep.

Why? why must we ladies go all the way to make sacrifices for you guys?
Must we wait for your calls/msgs/or you sign in, like what i'm doing now,yesterday and the day before??
hhaaaaiizzz...

sick of waiting..

2007-09-18T02:17:00.000-07:00

I certainly felt the "tiredness" of juggling and working. I am so exhausted now and all i wanna do is sleep. But i just can't shut my eyes. i need loong sleep badly..

Abdul Roydzuan,

You must think i am crazy , but if tomorrow never comes, i just want you to know that i love you. Eventhough there were times where you've hurt me deeply to the extend i've hated you soo much that i dont even wanna hear you voice what more see you. I even thought of leaving you as a revenge.But to see you hurt,its like hurting myself. Whatever it is, what happen on your birthday this year, was not a revenge from me. It happen unexpectedly. I didnt meant for things to go that way. and i apologised for it to happen.

i remember how you hugg me and kiss my forehead whenever we fought. It made me feel safe and love once again by you. The days where we sit and talked , laughed on your couch. It made me the most happy girl. And the times where i hurt you with words, pain you with my fist, scar you with my fingernails or probably more. I still remember the guy whom i first met,the guy who only look up to me, a ugly duckling, when he has a problem or bored. the guy who create mess with his ex gf.
I know you are not that guy anymore. You turned to be a wonderful man. A wonderful man whom i love and will always remember in my whole lifetime.

I know we've just known each other. 1 and a half year. It might be short and still early, but soo many things has that left me sitting and thinking. I never really have an answer from you that will make me feel full secured in your arms. My mindset worsen when the horrifying history , past by. It makes me hate you sometimes, but deep inside ,i know i love you. I love you for many things. You are my bestfriend and my lover but,i do not now which side of you i enjoy the most. I tresure each side of you, just like i tresure this relation we have together.You have something inside which is very special, Abdul Roydzuan, very special. But i've yet to discover what it is. Perhaps we need more time. more time to develop more love and sweet memories.

I dont know why i am writing this for you but when i look at you, i am frightened by knowledge that all this will have to end,not so soon, hopefully. I just cant bear to lose you yet. i am not begging you to stay nor go. Nor do i am am hoping for you to knee down on your knees and beg me for forgiveness and begg me not to leave you. No,not that. just to recognise how much i love you. I know that you are not gonna read this, but somehow if ever you come by,, i just wanna you to know that i love you when im typing this, I love you when you read this. It is a time like this where i craved for your warmth and comfort, of your hugss and touch.

I love you....

2007-09-12T09:42:00.000-07:00

Abstract from the The Oprah Winfrey show.

1: Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
- I ve been standing up for him all the time. But did he? I dunt know.

2: Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
- Ive been trying my best to change myself. This includes the attitude, the character, the dressings. You name it.Everything.

3: Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
- I ve always wanted the relationship to be better. Better than better. Better than good. Greater than great. Stronger than strong.

4: You cannot change a man's behavior.Change comes from within.
- I've always wanted to change him into someone who really puts me on top. In to someone really independent, someone better than what he is now.

Conclusion- All this has to stop. Because , again abstract from Oprah Winfrey show
1: "If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
2: If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
3: Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Because...

4: Dating is fun... even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
And lastly should i follow this last advice?...
5: Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need

I guess i need to take the relationship slowly and try to calm down before making any decision. I really love the bond.really. and not forgetting...

Him......

Happy Fasting people..

2007-09-04T20:17:00.000-07:00

Back to blogging cause my connection has been fixed and back from Malacca after 4 days. Till i have to skip school yesterday. But now that i'm back, i'll get things done here. Malacca was fun. Eventhough I didnt wanna go at the first place, after reaching there, i was too excited. Especially when Pak Teh's family plus us = to fun plus disaster. The cousins were hilarious even when they are tired. During the 4 days of fun we had kenduri, my first kampung wedding, Mahkota Parade, Hot Spring Water Spa, Kota Tinggi Air Terjun andandand.. shopping!!!!!! Waahh. and not forgetting loooadss of fooood. I am soo exhausted now. But not i'm back to school.

I have a few more projects to be done. A few more weeks till holidays and working days. The day will never stop for me.

I'm tired...i need sleep..nites..

2007-08-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Phwee one week has pass and i and not so exhausted. 5 days of school and weekends are spent working full shift. My legs are soar now that i even skip school today when actually lesson ends ast 12 today. Hahaha. Reasons why i didnt go school:
1- I was too lazy to iron my school clothes.
2- I dont feel comfortable weraing them cause they seems to be shrinking or is it i am getting bigger?.
3- My legs are soar and i am walking like a duck again.
4- i need to make-up for my lost sleep. yes, sleep..
but please dont tell my mum bout this, cause she didnt know bout it.This is one advantage to have working parents.

School: I have 3 assignments to be done.
1 is due next monday.
the other is due on the 22nd and i havent even started.
Last is my workpiece, i have 4 more workpiece before i can start sitting in class sleeping.

i started to have second thoughts.
i am not to sure whether to sit and talk bout it.
naaah just forget bout it..its juat a minor thing in my mind..

not i need my sleep.gdnite..

2007-08-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

There is such thing as I.P address. The users of I.P address of 203.127.180.160, i suggest try saying hai to me when u see me in school cause i know who you are.Dont expect me to look at you cause i know your face resembles a green big ogre, SHREK! nyah! btwbtwbtw. thank you for opening up my blog only when you are in school, using the same computer as me! Alright maybe its my fault too. So people never open up your blog using school comps cause this is what youll get.. People that are psycho and terencat otak-muke-mcm-berok-tak-tau-malu. Dasar #$^#$&^&$^#$%# !!!

2007-08-14T23:17:00.000-07:00

At last i got to sit infront of this lappie, watching teevee and blog annndd watch the 9pm chinese drama but missed the rest. It has benen a very busy week i can say.
Where am i on National Day, and both past weekends? WORKING! yes..i have been working 4 days straight after i started my first day on National Day. I must say working is really tiring and hardwork. I was so tired that i fell asleep and missed my stop Sunday morning.I was at tampines so i had to bounce back to Paya Lebar. I was 20 mins late.
Working in the sales line "again", really tests my patience. What more i have to deal fussy and irritating plus rude,malay community. I just hate the way they treats and talk. Children running everywhere, and they talk out loud like they are the only ones there to shop for clothes. duh! The kids even played hide and seek in the fitting-rooms and under the hanged clothes where keep some of the stocks there. I was shocked to find a kid sitting quietly,smiling at me, hiding under those clothes. To think back, it was funny but at that point of time, i was pissed off. It really irritates me when the kids are running about, cry, scream. I dont mind the kids age 3below running about, but i'm talking bout the 5 above.Its irritating..Wonder how their parents educate them.Not all, but i encounter 50% of the makciks talk loudly!Such a disgrace. Working under the same race boss, added more to the suffering. They think they are bunch of millionares, but hell no. They think by selling those golds,by giving people money, they are great? They cant even give a smile but to scold and scream. huh..

butbutbut lets just put the working days aside.
School is pressurising. I have 4 more workpiece to be cut in 4 weeks. How can i really manage that. But i can do it! I sure can.

Thank Roy for making my tired days happier and meaningful,with the help of him picking me up and seeing him smile without failed even when he's tired. It makes me feel content and satisfy.
I thank God for everyday experience.
Thank God for giving me a blissful and happier life now.
Thank Roy for being here still with me after the past.
For making me so special in his arms.
For making me feel loved.
Thank you Roy.
Thank God for creating Roy.

Thank you sweetheart.
And you know..

I love you too.

2007-08-07T01:36:00.000-07:00

I ordered 2 boxes and had them delivered right on my doorstep. Mak fried 9 pieces right away and 3 of us ate it while it's still hot with the cheese still melting inside..comments...

Adik:hmm sedap..pakai ayam ape nie?

Mak:hmm oklah. untok lidah budak mude bleh ah..

Me: sedap seeh..tapi cheese skit la..

go try it..it's nice and yumyum! you'll forget your boyfriend after that..nyah!

A date out with love on sunday.

Movies-"Disturbia"-its hilarious watch it..

Butbutbut, Bugis nachos are nice but not its cheese.blek!

butbutbut, i finish it all..nyah!

Next shopping, but love wasn't doing any great help in helping me choose a necklace.

nyah!

next, i wann watch "knocked up". i heard its funny and "hot"..

btwbtwbtw..thans so much love

I am so excited, i'm starting work this Thursday. Don't asw where. Hint- just say hai if you see me working,while you shop for your baju kurung! nyah!

I think i have the most cleaness and cute cat in this area. She just likes clean bedspread and the way she rolled on them just irritates Mak . just look what she is up too..

2007-08-04T18:02:00.000-07:00

I AM SO PISSED OFF NOW/TODAY.

You promised me to have our time out,

well after i've the green light from the "home authorities",

you changed and ruined everything by going out with them.

Fine i just sit at home now, and get drunk or something.

You really made me pissed off.

Should i show it to you? well hell NO!!

You wouldn't care anyways..

arrrgghh.. just don't find for me while you are having fun outside cause i soo don't need you now!!

aaarrrgggggghhhh #%*&$*$$%$$&*@#@**(*&#$%@#%@

2007-08-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

The past Saturday was spent with Adik going shopping around Bugis Street. Its a Saturday and i soo DONT like going out on Saturday cause i know the country will be pack with youngters with different kinds of ATTITUDE. yah..Called me whatever but i just don't like it.
Then it was Sunday where i screwed myself. Coming back home at 1.20am! I got myself into Mak's and Love's songs of nagging.Whatever

Monday was Nafa Test. All 5 items plus 2.4km at 3.30pm under the scorching sun. My timing = 22 mins! nyahaha..I had cramps till now to the extend i can't walk properly and go to school today. Blame me for not working out for 1 year plus.duuh

School has been perfectly fine and stress.Datelines to meet, waking up early just to make sure i come early and not missing anything. Songs of nagging from the sirs begging me to come early. Yeh..

Sometimes its hard to divide the love between a bestfriend and your own love. To decide to give more to whom.
But i am trying my best.
Overall....

We are fine.

Perfectly fine.

2007-07-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

Its been looong since i sat in front of this lappie to blog, log in to my friendster account, chat on msn, upload my pics and looads more. And i guess this entry might be a looooong one.

What have i been up to lately this week?
Well mostly for weekdays i'll be in school from 8am till 4.30 PM.
Then headed back home to sit back and chill by watching looads of my daily chinese drama on teevee.
I have the 5.30-6.30pm drama. Then a half an hour break till 7pm to the next i hour drama.
At 8pm, bathe, get things ready for the next day, dinner and back to my sofa for the 9pm show.
SO, my nights are very occupied. I'm just so in love with the heros in them. Who knows i get to marry a hot chinese dude in future?..yeh..I lioke!

The weekends were very busy with Abg Mamat's wedding. But sadly i only got to spent there for while cause i gotta rush to Batam with Mak to have a dinner with Ayah there. It's a must.
Since adik wanted to stay at Abg Mamat's place, Mak suggested i ask Ika along. I was damned lucky to have her agreed at the last minute. It was funfunfun with her along and we planned go again next month.Batam here we come.

and days aren't complete without this dude..thanks la eh awak..

3 more weeks to go before holiday. Then Puase, then Raye..then I become 1 happy lady in the world..yeh..Working life is calling me at the end of the year.Hmmm.. and i can smell the sea!
Ohya, i met Khadijah aka Katek(i'm not sure i could still call you that name), this morning..You are looking great now...Its a pleasure to meet you.

2007-07-19T23:28:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure whether u should blog bout this.

It is really hard for me to take this situation.

I'm not sure whether i should leave for their happiness or just stay and continue to be dumb.

I know i made a huge mistake or rather sin in my life.

I know. But nobody is giving me a chance to make things up.

Nobody is treating me nice under this roof.

They are all doing their own things and ignoring me.

I hate it when people asked, "who is at home?".

What do i answer?? Do i tell them the names of my family members that doesn't talk to me.

That doesnt even treat me like they used too??

How i wished i didnt make that mistakes.

I didn't blame them coz they are not wrong.

I am , and now they make me bear the consequences now.

All i have to do is bear with them,even if it takes all my lifetime.

Even when they talked to me without looking at me plus the tone of hatred.

Even when we act like strangers when we bump in the lift.

Even when they don't offer their food like they always do.

Even if i get back home with no one to talk to except CT and Mr Smoochy.

I have to endure this challenge, no matter what.

I jus need the strength, courage and patience.

*Breathes in,breathes out...*

Love-Life wise..
I'm having second thoughts...
I don't know why..
Mayb due to the changes of the surrounding

And us....

2007-07-14T01:39:00.000-07:00

For a moment in my life,i have my bestfriends and him around me but not my family.
Nobody seems to care whether i've eaten, i go to school or even am i at home.
Wake early in the morning with nobody except for CT (my cat) and Anan(turtle). Money left on the table top for school. Coming back home with only CT greeting me by running towards me and purrr, after hearing my "assalamualaikum". They laugh and giggle while watching t.v or playing with CT, while I, the sinful daughter sits in the room, hearing them. Am i already a stranger who only stays in this house for shelter? I am completely turning crazy. I used to share my day at school or funny situations that happen for the day with Mak. Then she'll laugh at the same time, advise me. But now, i have no one to turn too. They all do their own stuffs. I really missed all those laughing. Really i need it back..Is my sins to hard to forgive? Am i that bad??
Mak,abg please come back in my life. Ain betol2 miss both of you..Sorry for ALLLLLLL the sins i've done...Please..

2007-07-11T22:26:00.000-07:00

As I expected, Kassreeal Alfi is out. The now popular Kassreeal Alfi. It’s not that I don’t support him, I do,but I know he won’t go far. Anyways he is blessed with good love and a voice in him, and at least he’s known now. I just missed him, not Kassreeal but Alfi. The Alfi who used to make the whole class laugh and spice up the the boring classroom.
I am tired of seeing Kassreeal in t.v. I want my handsome classmate Alfi back. Hope to see ya in class tomorrow dude.It’s been long.

I am blessed to have lloads of love around me. Love from my parents, love from my friends, from Ika, and not forgetting from Roy who pampers me with everything. Today, when I was otw back home in the train, thinking of every single person in my life, I felt so blessed. Blessed to received love once again after so much suffering and pain.
The person who once left me with those pains and hurts, are now the one who pampers me. Eventhough, I hate him soo much a month ago, those hate turn into love once again. Its true what I’ve heard. “Never hate too much, it’ll turn into love, never love to much, it’ll hurt one day” He may be the one who used to hurt me allll the time, but now he showers me with love all he can. I know I can never be over-confidence bout him cause I don’t know what might happen in later days. Called us “unpredictable couple” or “obsessed”, I don’t care. I know him inside out better then those outside. I would have walk away long ago if you don’t mean anything to me. I am still here cause I believe we deserve so much more than this. So be happy you girls out there.I suggest try harder. I ain’t gonna give halfway this time. And gonna make it worth a fight.

Eventhough I never declare seriously . I hope you are reading this.
Abdul Royduan, I am in love with you once again.

2007-07-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

Getting beaten up by her, was painful.

Getting slapped by her, umpteen times, at this age, was painful and an embarrassment.

Hearing all those not true stuffs bout me, was painful.

Hearing her , accusing my friends, was painful.

BUT, to think back, what hurts me the most and very painful was to hear her say that I hate her.

Telling me to take the knife and kill her with my bear hands.
For me to shout and scream at her.
For me to “accidentally” say the that harsh word “CIB**”.
For me to “accidentally” say the word “ BAB*” , to her.
For me to make her cry and weep like that.
For me to stare at her face like that.

Ya Allah, I have been the most ungrateful, ill-mannered, rude daughter in the world yesterday.

I don’t know what come on to me.

What makes me soo mad at her yesterday till I say all that to her and made her cry.

Am I wrong to get mad over her just because she accused my friends?,
She accused me of doing nothing at home?
Reading my diary a few times?
Not trusting me?
For calling Ayah, everytime, I came home after 12. Everytime we fought, but not when those two other siblings did something wrong?
For always saying my past
I felt like Ayah only now bout ,my bad side, my ill-mannered ways.
Am I wrong to get mad to this woman who gave birth to me??

YES, I admit I’m wrong.

Yes, I was rude to her. Damned Rude!

How could I make up for all those sins yesterday ?

I know saying sorry and kissing her feet yesterday won’t makeup for all those sins.

How could I make her cry and weep like that bout me..

I don’t mind the sins of drinking alcohols, taking those make-me-fly drugs, having sex once a week.
But making my Mother cry and scream at her hysterically, is a very heavy sins in the whole wide world. Anything to do with Mothers, are heavy sins for me.

I have made the most dreadful sins in the world.

Ya Allah help me. Get me out of this uneasiness in life. Show me the right path to where I really belong.

Mak , I never hate you. Not abit. You are the first priority in my life. Never I had intended to scream/shout at you like that.
I am truly sorry..Really I am…

2007-07-05T02:06:00.000-07:00

I am not sure how i wanna react.

I am not sure i should continue giving you this love of mine.

Out of sudden i felt scared once again.

Out of the blue, you did something,that made me felt unsecure.

You made me think twice.

Sometimes how i wished you could propose me that question again.

Propose to me in a proper manner and not on the phone.

Sometimes how i wished, you could show more appreciation and concern.

Pamper me more but with limits.

God give me a light to show me to the right path to choose the right decision.

2007-07-04T01:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I really wish to make the right decision. Decisions that are fair, equal. Decisions where I won’t regret when I think back bout it. Decisions that won’t even make me to think back. Decisions that won’t hurt anybody or myself.
Sometimes, to think back, I don’t understand why must there be such thing as/called decisions?. I might be weak at times. Yes I admit it. I’ll try to make a wise decision, but things will just happen in a wink, even before I try to react. It happens all the time and this makes me s-l-o-w in making decisions. Even when it comes to simple decision-making like” what to eat?” “ what to wear?” OR “ what to say?”, sometimes its hard for me to make a quick and snappy answer for myself.. Like, What The Hell! Kan? The thought of it,seems to be easy peasy..But when the time comes, it would not be what I’ve expected.

The pit on Sunday was Fabulous!!! I had funfunfunfunfufnfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunfunffunfunfunfunfunfun.But sadly I knocked out half way tru the game. Too much drinking..nyeh..

Everything is too much for me to handle..

2007-06-29T01:15:00.000-07:00

Guys have very big , huge ego. Their ego will somehow, grows and start "expressing" it on woman by the harsh way due to small things. What do they actually wants? They only wanted to show us that they have HUGE ego lingering in their body and character. They wanted to show that they really are ego and weak. Son of a mouse!!

Well babe, thanks for putting up that entry on your blog. I somehow now realised i am in the wrong place and you still are longing for him. Thank to your entry that i now know that he called you even if you didn't put it in words. Thanks babe. You still stands a chance in having him back. I'm not in your way.

Looing forward for this Sunday's pit. We are gonna have funfunfun together.
I still wanna go Sentosa with Ama in bikini! Aarrrggh..Ama loos like we have to wait till another time..i'm so sorry..

both of you are son of a mouse!!

2007-06-28T01:53:00.000-07:00

mummy, take me away, please...
please..it hurts..
shoo..go away to her..return to her..
GO AWAY!!!

2007-06-24T03:45:00.000-07:00

Seeing all those tears and then comes laughter, made me sit and think. Sometimes, remaining silent is the best thing to do, even when it shatters your heart, even if its too painful for you to keep.You’ve got to swallow it. Mum’s can’t always be the best even if they tried too. They too make mistakes which sometimes can’t be forgiven by others. I don’t know how to put yesterday’s family’s gathering, in words.
Secrets which are too painful and has been long kept in the heart, has all been poured out, together with tears and laughter. It’s heartbreaking seeing your own family hurt. It hurts us so much.
Feeza, if ever you were here,yesterday, hearing out our Kak Caca, pouring out her feelings towards the person who gave birth to her, you might cry with us too. You would never expect how much sacrifices she had done for her family, and we didn’t know bout it. I’ll share with you what I’ve learnt from yesterday’s gathering so that you know roughly what happen.

1- No matter how much your mum hates you, you still have to love and show her your concern.
2- No matter how bad your father used to be, forgive and still love him.
3- Sacrifices comes in many different ways. It can even be in a way you don’t expected it to be.
4- No matter how strong you are, facing your own problems, you somehow have a little tiny part of you which is soft when being touched on certain issues.
5- Marriage is not a easy part of life to handle and don’t marry if you are not financially and mentally prepared. It will brings you to the path where big huge issues surrounds you.
6- When you are married, sex is important even if you are old. If your man don’t get it, they will ROAR!!!!
7- Our grandma, is cunning and not always that nice..hehehehe…shhhhh..
I hope everything goes out smoothly and our family will bond even more like we used too.

“Its funny how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all that little pieces”
I found this saying when I was surfing the net. I totally agree with it. It all depends on certain people. How they handle things in life. Not everyone will end up with the one they hoped for. Three words- this is life. Life is all about making sacrifices. I see a lot of people around me sacrificing a lot of things due to love. I personally sacrificed a lot myself, till the extend of my dignity being at stake. But everything really doesn’t matter cause as time goes by I know they happened for many different reasons.
Falling in love is the most scariest thing. You can fall in love with someone over a minute, but to forget them, might take you years. When my heart was shattered into tiny pieces, I thought I could never make it again. But alhamdullilah, Allah still loves me and had create many beautiful people to care for me till this very day. I used to dreamt of getting married, having a family, babies, a house of my own and so much more. But now, it scares me. Even guys/men scares me till I have to swallow those prescribed drugs whenever I had anxiety attack. It was painful- the head, the mind, the body.
Alhamdullilah everything is going to be over. I guess I had to face the music, face the consequences of my past mistakes when I was naïve.
Conclusion: I still have faith in love cause I know love has its own beautiful ways. I will still take the risk cause love = risks. Not now mayb, but I’ll never know when is love will come knocking on my door. A broken heart full of love is hard to fix.

You stayed with me till now after whatever happen.
No words can ever describe how I appreciate you.
you know i miss you

2007-06-21T00:23:00.000-07:00

How i wish i could run away.Run away far from this island full of stress ,memories and people i truly want to avoid.I can't stand all this anymore.Out of sudden i am soo scared. I am even scared of my own shadow. aRRGGhh, i need them back.This one last time. My mind needs freedom. I am craving for freedom..
Excuse me...
AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!! (pulls hair and jumps around)..

I am now a part time housewife minus the husband. Mum has been helping Cik Pah at her stall in NUS since she is short of hands there. And i have been doing all the chores that was done by mum before this and now then i knew it is really a hardwork.I did the laundry,hangouttheclothestodry,vacuum&mopthefloor,cooknasilemak,changemybedsheets andyoujustnameitwhatelse!!. By the end of the day i am already too exhausted. Now i know how tiring it is just to do the housechores. What if i have babies?? With all those crying and wailing..OMG! Thinking of all this freaks me out! I don't wanna have babies anymore! BUT!, the house is all mine! nyahaha that is one advantage. I could just run out of the toilet naked and wet if i forgot my towel..I can just do my housechores with my bra and boxers cause its like a workout and it makes me perspire. Cousin Fiza, i wonder if you are going through all this things after your mum started this work..? and does Shae help you??hmmm

I really want to make out for the Sentosa trip i had promise Ama last week, but i just can't find the right day nor time. Aaargh i am really sorry ama.I'll try slot us in my calender.

Gwen Stefeni-"4 in the morning", is one very sweet song. I guess its for me. Try listen to it.You can ask me for the song. (smiles)

I don't wanna fall in love with you yet.

2007-06-14T07:31:00.000-07:00

Wondering where's is our "miza", who uses cheap ways to tag?? Well she's gone.I've cleared things out, by calling the one who is really the victim and alhamdullilah we've cleared the air. Talk things out really slowly and that's how real mature people talk. One advise for you "miza", next time, "Jgn jage tepi kain kawan-kawan kau. They are mature enough to settle their own relationships, so jgn pandai-pandai. I wonder what satisfaction you get huh for helping by tagging?? hahaha.." So HE, is all yours now gal..I hope after that long talk we had, there will be no more misunderstanding between both of us.

I would really like to thank everybody who where supporting me from the first fall till i managed to get up and run once again. Thank YOU for all those well-wishes via,messages, calls and emails. Thank you so much. And to you Mr Dude, i shall remember what you wrote in you email. Mr Dude has been reading my blog since 7 months ago and now he showed up his identity with really encouraging words.
"Seandainye kite jatoh dalam life kite, kuatkn semangat dan take everything as a iktibar.Tuhan selalu adil dan bersyukurlah, u tk jatoh lebih terok dari ini. Selalu ingt, that there's always somebody who cares for you ,but you tk tau.."
MrDude, your words i shall keep. thank you..

Stomuch Cramps + mood swings= PERIOD
yEH i've been curling up like a ball since morninG.The cramps are too unbearable.They are still here now to stay.Its always like this but this time minus a person to pamper me. But that doesn't stop me from pampering myself. I had DunkinDonuts, hmm.. Then i had a looong, spa shower. Playing with my hair, bubbles,aroma and loving myself.AAAAHHH self-indulgence..i love it...hmmm..

Loooooads of apology to Ama/Diva, that i have to cancell our outing tomorrow..I forgot i have a appointment in the morning and i'm not sure what time i'll finish..I'm sorry ama..I'll make up for it..

I met you and i'm starting to love you..

2007-06-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

Let's get down to serious business here.. I won't reply to those tags that i have deleted..You , ain;t no match for me to play games.. Gdluck both of you! and your blind mens! hehe..

2007-06-11T11:02:00.000-07:00

Its such a pity, no0w i know one of them who lovesss to peep on my blog. Hahaha. such a pity. HAHAHAH..
Dear Miza, do you ever know that you are one cheap person??
Of course you don't know rite..Let me tell you this.
Don't think i don't know who the hell you are..oopps i forgot..
Cheap people who uses cheap ways of settling their uneasiness with people, don't usually reveal their identities.. You don't even dare to reveal yourself...How stupid..OH mayb you are the one who is craving for some "love"..You call yourself one mature adult ?? I bet you must do some soul searching for yourself.. And perhaps you can do it together with that God-Knows-Who, sister of yours..I guess both of you are "younger" in handling such matters..
Is that all you could tag on my blog?? Add more punch to it..
My body is his last time??
Y don't you ask your husband or bfs,if you have any bytheway,..
Ask them whether they have slept wif me and have my body before..
Cause you never know, besides The Ex, i may have given my body to that someone sleeping beside you..Y don't you ask your mens?? Good idea of mine??
Are you that free to read and tag at my blog?? Are you jobless or simply have to occupy yourself?
And ohya, you? A human?? Are you sure?? I dont think soo..uH i forgot that God create people like you too in this world.. People like you are such a disgrace to God's creation..You know that??
Ooops you don't..i see..Its ok..
Tag more..i loove to reead all those tags from an uneducated,unmatured, younger people like you! Thank you for tagging, attention seeker..

2007-06-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

Looks like you have looads of Exs who craves for you, to entertain huh??...
Fine...

"Siapakah di antara kita
Dengan rela menjadi pendusta
Siapakah dulu membina harapan
Dan siapa yang memusnahkan impian
Tanpa sebab dan alasan
Kau lahirkan perasaan
Bagai taufan tiba-tiba datang
Dan menghilang"

2007-06-09T19:43:00.000-07:00

People always misunderstood my friendship with the Ex. People always have the wrong idea of my friendship with the Ex. Guess what ive discovered a few moments ago..Yes a few moments ago!

The Ex had her long before we broke up.
The Ex has been going out with her even before we broke up.
The Ex has been contacting with her even before we broke up.
I know it long that they are contacting with each other when, we change our sim cards. Meaning he used my number and i used his. You wouldn't want to know who had message him that night. Filled with jealousy and anger cause i just can't have the truth from him. But i don't mind if they meant to be friends. Really i don't mind..The truth, i even asked for freedom from him,(not once butalot of times), with an excuse i had someone else but i actually wants him to run after her..Am i still not unreasonable? Why should i cling onto him if he keeps on playing my back and his heart only has her name?? Am I still the bitch?? Mayb its karma. I took him from someone, and now someone took him from me. I always have to repeat my memories with him.
Why am i writing bout all this?? Cause i thought everything would be over. But its not. It hurts me knowing that she stills cries over him. We are both woman. I understand her feelings, So i am here to get things right once and for all. I hope she or any of her friends could understand the relationship between the both of us after reading this entry on MY blog.
I have no strings attached to the guy whom you cry for and you just don't want to hear his explaination. I am simply not siding him but this is for the benefits of both my name and my blog! Don't bring down both my name and my blog. I have to face criticism from the wide world web, hate emails and anger smses from God knows who. He is just my Ex whom i now cared for and not in love. Again, we will not be settling things together cause there's nothing to settle. There's no way we could be as one lovebirds again cause we are friends. If ever he wants to get back with me, i will only want to see his hunger for my love and sincerity towards him and not his hunger for what is between my legs..If i could close one eye on both of you contacting each other when i and him were together, i don't see any wrong of you doing the same thing. And i told you once, i'm done with him. My love life with him is over!! Get this in your mind people. I don't point fingers to just one person, i am refering to everybody who wants him to be your companion..Go call him and have him all you want. I have my own life now. I have my own companion. We are friends!!!!! Oh God even if i explained it here, it'll just a waste of my time, helping a friend. Some people are just not strong in handling such affairs. oh my god!!
I am so frustated now..Guys will never stop lying even if they are left with one breath to live..
Dont judge me by the way i blog, or the way i talk. and to those who extremely love to critic me the way i live my life with the Ex.. Its simply NONE of your business.
Yes,we go for a meal.
Yes, we hold hands.
Yes,we hug.
Yes, we are close.
but no we dont kiss. Dont go around creating kampung stories..You think i am that desperate over him. I am over his love. I don't crave nor beg for his comeback. Everything is the past..GET THIS IN MIND,PEOPLE WHO LOVES TO KNOW WHAT HAPPEN BETWEEN US...WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!!!!I FEEL LIKE SHOUTING..
Excuse me..
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Addition:
i know its not gonna stop here. everything has no end unless, i stay silent and back off..Meaning, i will have to learn and sacrifice our friendship for their happiness..

2007-06-08T23:10:00.000-07:00

I've ordered 2 boxes of the popiahs and they were delivered right on my door steps. Mak fried 8 pieces right away. The comments..

Adik: hmm sedapnye..
Mak:hmm okla, mungkin untok lidah anak mude macam korg laa..
Me: hmm sedap giler seh, tapi more cheese dea tk cukop.

go try them! hmmm..

I had a date with love yesterday.
Movies- Disturbia..Its hilarious, full of suspense and "hot".
Next movie-Knocked Up..
Bugis nachos are nice but not the cheese..But i finish all alone..hehe..

Next, shopping for my accessories. But Love is not a good help in girls stuff. So decision making depends on me. Problem is i'm fickle-minded. nyahh..

I'm soo excited! Alhamdullilah i've got a job! Not gonna say where, but just say hai if you see me when you are buying your baju kurung for hari raya. andandand, i'll be a most gentle girl in teck whye..nyah.

andandand i have the most beautiful, cute and cleaness cat in the world.
She loves to lie and rolled on clean bedspread that has just been changed.
butbutbut, that irritates Mak. Just look at what she's up too..

2007-06-08T02:37:00.000-07:00

Youare1veryconfusingExthati'vegotinmyentirelifebuttrustme,iloveourfriendship.
Ireallydon'tknowwhatyuexactlywantfromthisrelationship.
i don'tknowwhatreallyhappenbetweenyouandher.
Whateveritis,youcanstayundermyumbrella.
Congrats to you on the new job that he got at Sentosa, may you have looads of hotbabe numbers in your contact list. Sorry i can't come down to your class chalet. Next time probably..

Cousin FiZa lend me this book that she read. I AM MUSLIM, by Dina Zaman. I'm just halfway through reading it and i just can't stop reading it. Like what she wrote on her blog, " its interesting", Yeh i agree with her. It has been so long since read any books like this so at first i was having a hard time trying to understand simple words like 'aggresive'. yeh, pathetic right.
i suggest go and borrow it.Its nice to gain more knowledge bout our religion once in a while after so long. :)

Yesterday out with the classmates was awesome.It turn out to be a double date,yeh.Bart was with Ayuni and guess who i am with? My crush lah dey!! hehe.. (jumps around banging pots and pans) We went from Bugis to Town. My feet were soo tired.. We had chicken rice, OldChangKee and Big gulp. We played pool opening up 2 bottles. I really can't play pool.. But with them, i think, i'm getting better. (Remember those times with the Ex playing pool till we our pockets were dry) We ended the day by having those two guys going one big round sending me home..How sweet my classmates are. N handsome!! hehe....

First,its someone with a bike but he was way too old for me, then its someone with a car, but he drove too fast and too busy, then there's someone who seeks too much attention.N now someone who is belom-kenal-rapat-sangat..What else the world has to offer me? I don't mind being friends but sometimes guys "plan" to fast. And None of them , can ever ever ever replace The Ex..Cause..
jauh di lubok hatiku;
Masih terukir namamu;
Jauh didasar jiwaku;
engkau masih kekasihku..

My brain is so dry now..I had so much to talked about a few moments ago. But now, empty_____..1 thing i know i am damned hungry now. let see whats there to eat in this wee morning..oh gosh look at the time now!!

quarelling days are back!!

2007-06-05T12:24:00.000-07:00

Ever since my recent breakup, i admit, i've been throught alot of dates and making new friends with guys, especially. But none makes me happy. I just can't accept them. They are not like my ex at all. And they are all so not my taste. I groomed and doll myself more when i go out. Trust me, its tiring but all that effort just makes me feel great!.
Even without the ex, people do talk and gossip around bout us, i mean me. What else if we are together. World. Peoples mouths never stop talking hah. At first, of course i was angry and so on. But has things went on, i treat it like a story, not from a book but from people's mouths. Get what i mean. All those talkings made me stronger till today where i could get up on my own feet when i had a huge fall recently and i could not be bothered to hear nor entertain them. I have more other stuffs to attend too.
I don't care anymore. People call me a bitch, whore,stupid, snatcher, you just name it.Everything. Those people think they could call me anything they want like as if they have known me in person. Just by hearing my stories from their friends, my frienster, and my blog, they create a whole lot of stories. Go ahead people say things bout me and not him. Just bear in mind it needs two hands to clap. I didn't clap on my own. Situations made me into a bitch. Don't blame me.
I tried my best to run but it came running back to me. arrgggh.
i am so tired with all that talkings..It will never stop..

i've stop loving you..
I know what your heart desires..
so stop all your honey coated words..
cause you ain't getting anymore love from me baby..
shOO.. go back to her..You will never change...

2007-06-03T03:20:00.000-07:00

Its 3.30am..And i just can't shut my eyes to sleep. My mind is still thinking bout yesterday and the past few days. Still wondering am i at fault? I mean, i agree sometimes they way i blog or expressed my feelings here can be misunderstood. But anyway,its my blog and i have the rights here. I do realised that there's alot out there , whom i don't really know, who "loves" to read my blog, thinking that they could get secrets bout me and just "loves" to know whats going on with my life. They can be in different range of age and people. From my aunties,far away cousins, to Smoochy's exss/admiresss/crushss/girlfriendsss to unknown people. For the past years, i've received lots of hates emails, words of encourgements and well wishes from people i don't know. Some even create a hotmail by my name. I don't want to talk bout it here anyway. I don't blame them cause anyways whats my blog for ,right. I just thank to those whom i don't know and is a fan of my blog. Just don't judge me for the way i blog. I guess partly,i'm at fault too.. I realised the way i blog my days and feelings, sometimes can be complicated. But just enter at your own risk aites..

Ama-Hotbabe, i guess i'll take your advice. I will try to forget the past. Move on.Treat him nice if he treats me nice. Treat him like a tissue paper if i have too. I guess its time for me to show that i'm not soft, and i ain't the right person to play his games. He started this game, i'll play along. I'll be a bitch or whore if i have to. If that happens, don't blame me.
Ama, get your license quick! I am so excited..You make me want to continue with my bike license. We will have looads of fun..Love you babe..

Friday date with Iqa was awesome. I actually wanted to change my passport photo. But since my number was so slow,there's alot lot of people and our stomuchs are grumbling "dondang sayang", i decided to do it another day. Had our-first-meal-of-the-day cum late dinner at LJS,Bugis.Then headed down to Marina Square. Surprisingly,there's the PowerPuff Girls having a show.How surprise we are.We seriously have no idea where to go so we decided to head down to Yishun meeting, Iqa's love one, Syamil.nyahaha
Its my first time meeting him and what can i say.hmmm.. All i can say is that he is one interesting guy and "Iqa, dea suke bbl world skit eh..Walau ape pun, dea tetap sedare aku.".nyahahha..Whatever it is, my day is always fun with IqA. I just love her so much. Going out with her always makes me laugh. Iqa we are in the same boat now and its time to teach them a lesson k. I hope you'll be strong in going through your hard days. Just remember i am always here for you since the day our friendship blooms. It will be more fun with the rest of the peeps. Probably next outing k guys. I miss you all.

Let me go if you want to play games.
I ain't your tissue paper..

2007-05-30T22:42:00.000-07:00

"I see your lips moving but I don't hear nothing
Everybody talking like they really know something about us
But they don't know nothing about us
I see your lips moving but I don't hear nothing
Everybody talking like they really wanna know about us
But they don't know nothing about us"

Now i'm back to square one. Back to where i used to be. Everything happen so fast. How could You ever lie to me for the 83839837 times? You should know that i am in the process of healing those wounds you once left and it would only take 1 more pain to bring me down in slowing down the healing process.It's a pity to know that you are still the same person whom i loved and forgive umpteen times and left me. I thought you had change but sadly, you are still the same.Partly mayb its my mistake in trusting you once again. Now i realised that you are making me a fool.You are using me for your own happiness.You can never and will never cherish me. You can now feel what i've always feel. Be in my shoes Mister. Have you ever spare a thought for me? Spare your thoughts about my feelings? Don't blame me for making harsh decisions towards you, you brought it upon yourself. For once, please change yourself like you've promise. Not for me but its for your own benefits. If ever you want to come back to me like you asked for, i'll welcome you BUT without her and your LIES..no more lies from you if ever you want to be my friend..please..

No more you Again.
No more Him..

2007-05-28T19:55:00.000-07:00

How’s my date with Mr Haslam yesterday??
It was extremely unexpected. I felt like I was in a Tokyo Drift movie plus Rempit..
Why I say this? Here is the story..
He was suppose to pick me up at 9am but that little biskot fell asleep and came at 10.15 instead. That was quite a wait.Now comes the Toyo Drift story. His seatbelts aren’t working, so both of us are not wearing any safety belts. That’s not it, as we all know the speed limits on Singapore highway is 90 km rite, but he the little biskot was driving at 120km!! Imagine where my heart was at that point of time? I was like grabbing his sleeves, seriously I felt death is coming nearer and we, I mean he was inviting it.
He even drift in a normal traffic road and my head swing outside the windows! He could dance without having his hands on the steerling wheels..
It was one scary, but yet fun experience I had. I’m used to it by the time we went back home. The picnic was great. We had peanut butter and sandwiches, a big bag of Famous Amos cookies and cups of ice lemon tea. We chat, have a nap,laughed, munch..He’s sweet plus cute.
Very sweet I must say but a dangerous driver. But still I don’t mind going out with him again.
Haslam biskot,if you are reading this, i would love to go out again with you.hehe..Overall, i can say it's great.!
School was perfectly fine with everyone busy preparing for their exams. My class are more excited for the pit. Cikgu had already handed me the money and receipt for the preparations.
It’s a lot of money.
I’m not sure what had happen between both of you and I dare not ask, help nor interfere.
I hope everything between the both of you are perfectly fine.

2007-05-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

How did the visit to the Navy Base Open House today?? It sucks!
Ayuni and me were as usual late, and the whole class had to wait for us. I was like pulling Ayunie's hand making her run, ignoring the ex who was standing aside with his friends, who were looking at me, thinking that i was mad .Jiacong was like calling me 3 times telling us to hurry up. In the end we reach just in time when they were just about to board the humid,hot, unclass, old bus. Both of us plus a few classmates had to stand, so we took turns exchanging sits. i can't bear the hotness and humid of the bus plus the white small uniform we all planned to wear, i just strip to my singlets! I don't care at that point of time. Thats not it, the driver was lost, he drive all the way till Changi Airport and all over Changi area.Damned driver!

Upon reaching, we walk all over the place, sweating like mad! There;s really nothing interesting, really. No hot Navy dudes, all i can see are old Navy butbutbut, they are still cute! nyahaha.. The usual classmates and me just queue up to board a ship and we had a tour inside. Thats the only fun thing.
Headed back home was an addition to our pathetic day.We had to walk out of the place which is far way inside, just to board the bus back.What a luck.!

Reaching school, waited for my baby, and we headed to causeway point for our breakfast plus lunch.I wanted LJS , but then we changed our minds to have something at Banquet. I was craving for Wanten Mee but they only had chicken noodles which tasted similar. We had a heart to heart talk and i'm surprise for whatever had been said.You left me thinking.You will get the answer one day.

Changing my passport photos tomorrow together with Adik and Mak.Meaning i have to wake up early in the morning..AAArrrggh, waking up early on a Sat!.. hmm..
Looking forward for the picnic on Sunday..yeh!! what should i wear??

2007-05-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

New skin done courtesy of Adik..Thank you la Adik ku..! Andandand, i have a tagboard once again..yeeh!!
Going to Naval Base tomorow with the whole class and i'm soo excited! The guys had planned to all to wear white uniforms and mine is still in the laundry..nyahahahah..I'm going to wash it "manually" later in other words, by hand! oh gosh..Andandand my class advisor, Cikgu Ismail had already booked our class pits which actually we wanted to do chalet at the first place. We booked it has a class yesterday, with him surfing through axs.com and showing us through the projectoR. It was really a class thingy. i am damned excited and i'm sure you peeps are too rite?.
I have pimples outbreak! And i sooo not like it especially when i'm having a date with my Mr H this Sunday, to make up for the past Sunday.Wish me luck in having a beautiful day..
Chatting with Ama the hotbabe Diva, always and will always make me relieve, happy and confident. Topics like "in thing" fashion, feelings,foreplay,our bodies and basicly everything..I've always love her..She is now officially my fashion stylish(is that what u call it?)..Ama you make my self-esteem build up once again. i will one day be a confident lady wearing high heels walking around town with my J.LO butts. yeh..
All this while i thought my love is gone, but actually it is still here with me. Supporting me from far. I'm just giving it a break cause it wants to try something different for the time being. I didn't thought of "it" at the first place. I'm touched..i'm sure 1 day, if i stay put with this strong character, my love will come back. I'll use no force this time. But if it doesn't then i'll continue to move on..I'll will not wait for it. Time will answer everything. Now i realised everything that has happen, happens for a reason. And now i know what are the reasons. i can sleep without worries now. but whatever it is, as i said, i'm not waiting for it to come back.thanks for all the support.
sniffsniff* i smell something weird. Oh i forgot to bath after coming back from school just now..
I guess i better bath now and wash my uniform ..:) take care everyone..

2007-05-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

i'm so in love with this people.They make my every single day perfect.But YOU make my every single day fabulous!!Niways, anybody knows where i could get a Brazilian Wax?? Ama Diva, any suggestion?? I just wanna try it out.I'm sick of shaving every 2 days once..

You make me fly...

2007-05-20T07:06:00.001-07:00

It really felt funny. I don’t know how to explain this amazing feeling.Its just is so beautiful yet painful.I just can’t express it in words.Even if I have those words to describe it, I won’t do it here. Coz I know its not safe here.How I wish I could blog about it, but I really can’t. Let me just write it in my diary bout this wonderful feeling I had recently. It’s really a positive thing for me to move on..
Anyways, today’s date with Mr Haslam was cancel by me. My health is down. I’m having a headache and fever.This throat just felt so itchy that I have to cough out loud.
So I have to cancel our date out.Will make out for today Mr Haslam...
Ayah bought me a PDA!!! First a lappie, then a second one,now a PDA..How nice could you be Ayah..Stop pampering us especially me.I love you Ayah..Thanks Ayah..
Still trying to figure out how to use it fully.It has this cool function where, I indicate my last menstrual day, and it gives me the days of having the higest risk of getting pregent if I make out on a particular day..Get what I mean? It felt so lady-ly PDA.haha..
Ape yang aku merepek pun aku tk faham..is ok..So looking forward for my Monday tomorrow.

Hug me and don’t let me go..

2007-05-18T22:44:00.000-07:00

I’m blogging through blogger using the lappie in the house for the first time..At last I could get the internet to connect properly.
Its Friday today and I’ve decided not to attend class.So I was sleeping soundly till 12 noon when I heard the ringing msg.Who else can it be other then that dear Haslam.oops! did I tell you bout him?? Well he..(blushed)..Well.he is just a new friend introduced by a friend, a month ago(I think).Still in the processing of knowing each other.Well,Haslam biskot, if you are reading this, I’m looking forward for our outing this Sunday.:) *winks*. Guys, wish me luck in my “date”..
Have I move on? Not yet..But for the sake of Mak,fellow friends who cares and Smoochy himself, who told me umpteen times to move on with my life now, I am trying my very best to get over this break-up.Doesn’t mean I have a new friend ,I’ve moved on, rite.Just give me time.
I’ve received tons of emails and friendster message, full of encouragement and well wishes/take cares after the last entry..Thank you soo much for all those sweet words.Some even say I try to get some attention from the world..Well..thank you to you too for throwing those words to me, it makes me stronger bit by bit.
The past still lingers in me sometimes.Adding to the down days I’m having, plus the mood change every hour and sometimes every min, the past seems to come and go..I’m taking every min slowly.
I’ll take Ama words, just appreciate the ex as a friend , that I know, will always be there supporting me from behind and only wants my happiness. Thanks Ama for all those advices.It really helps me.
Skool is perfectly funfunfu under the hot sun!! My every weekdays are spent perfectly with all those lovely bunch of people..And I’m looking forward for our chalet..It will be sooo much fun..
And oh ya..plz vote for my handsome classmate whom I adores and love soooo much, Kassreeal Alfi !!!(M4) in anugerah..wish him all the best..

2007-05-16T23:00:00.000-07:00

For the second time in a year.My anxiety are back.My days of depressions are back.Those yellow and white tablets are back.Another frequent check ups are back.Those horrible days are back.It has been confirm that i am going through depression again.That explains the sudden moods i have frequently.Its not easy being in this situation alone without Mak, Ayah and the rest knowing bout this.I don;t want to have them to worry bout me again.I don't want to add anymore heartache and burden in them.No one will know, only you readers whom i don't know who. I just have to go all those treatments alone.I have too.I guess i need some time away from here.I thought i am strong enough to face everything.I'm not.I am just not.The pain in my head is just killing me.Everything is just killing me.Everything..Every single thing.Oh God please, give me faith and hold me in your arms.PLease..i begged you..

2007-05-14T23:58:00.000-07:00

presenting my port folio!! see for yourself..pity anis was so stressed up with me, the model, that she took shots of herself!! and who says cats can't be a model?? ...

2007-05-13T07:28:00.001-07:00

Anis and i are so into modeling, eventhough i don't have the looks and body of a model..So what??.Anis has been a very patient photographer..And she took great shots of the sexy me.the pictures can be anywhere.my bedroom, on my bed,the floor and all thanks to my 1.3 megapixels camera phone.my kodak camera was down and i don't have the time to go and repair them.As soon as the camera is working, look out for my sexy photoshots.!!(prasan nk mampos) I'm still cutting those pictures into sizes.I'll post them when i'm free.some of the pictures on the blog are some of her artwork.thank you so much lah darling.!!
as u see i've change everything in my blog.no tagboards nor history archive for the moment..you should know why..my brother reboot the computer and so, i've lost all my links on my blog..To those i used to link and not now, sory, if you don't see your blogspot here, do mail /sms/msg me ur link..I'm trying my best to get back all things that has been deleted away, including some photos with my frens by the sea!!..damned it..
i've promised to myself, to start a new day every single day starting tomorrow!! I'll be seeing more of my classmates, frens and cousins..And mayb/probably, find a job and mayb/probably, continue with my lisence..wish me luck guys...tHanks for all those well wishes via emails and smses..those words are the reasons, i'm still here trying my best to get up again.
Ama Diva entry on orgasm, really turns me on...:) i'll try make time for both of us.we'll have looads of fun.

2007-05-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

I've always made Mak unhappy..mayb i did, did something that make her happy sometimes but i forgot.all this times, there's a lot of times where i made her cry, angry,sad and uneasy..
6 years ago, when doctor told cik Ros and Ayah that Mak couldn't live long due to her cancer, i was studying for my PSLE..Cik Ros took all her courage to tell me first among the 3 siblings..I was devastated..I took care of her but she showed a brave front infront the whole family..i thought God is gonna take Mak away from us in my early age..but alhamdullilah, she is still here with us till today..

When she first got to know i was with Smoochy, she disagreed with our relationship.But i fought all the way, backing up Smoochy all the times, trying to convince her that both of us are seriously in love.She said alot of things that to me,hurt me very badly that time..When all those things came true, i regret.i really regret not listening to her..After she giveup on us and gave us a chance, our relationship doesn't take that opportunity, and went separate ways..she cry for me when i told her i miss Smoochy very much, she look me in the eye, as if she wanted to cry together with me..
She was with me all this while when she sees me not eating right,skipping my meals, change in the character i am, when i go through those depression days, vomitting everyday in the morning-like having a morning sickness.she was there to console me when i cried at night holding to Smoochy photos and belongings..When she asks bout Smoochy, i'll try my best to give a answer that will satisfy her when i actually don't really know whats the answer..I don't want to hurt her any further.

every single thing that she had sacrifice for me and the rest of my siblings are way too far not fair to what three of us did to her especially me..We make her cry, sad, angry,unhappy..just how much sins have we done to her..In every prayer i said, i asks God to take me first before He takes God and to give her a long and happy life she deserves..
In 10 to 15 years time, i will too become a mum and i don't want my kids to treat me like how i treat Mak in the past..but what goes around comes around..and i believe it..
So now, what ever i want to do or where ever i want to go, i'll tell Mak,,and i'm starting to treat her nice the way i should have done few years ago..
Ya Allah, thanks for giving me a chance to still have Mak here with me, to feel her love and care for me..Thanks for giving us and her the courage to go through those hard days together..Give her a long and happy life that she deserves all this past years..

Too all my aunts,all the mums in the world especially my mum, Smoochy's mum and Kak Yana..HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, May all your sacrifices and patience all this while received a payback that is far much more equal cause that is what u deserves...*hugggs*

a comeback

2007-05-10T23:11:00.000-07:00

i refrain myself from blogging not because i am running away from the problems that came without knocking. but to get away from the unaccommodating world of wide web.
I'm not exactly myself again..i'm still trying my best to get over the the past cause the past still lingers much in me and i'm having a really hard time..After the call incident, and i decided to close my blog for a period of time, i did alot of thinking to myself. i take everything has a challenge from God. mayb/probably HE loves me and gives me challenges in life to make me come nearer to him. mayb/probably, HE wants me to change for good.
Ever since that call and after i found out something shocking, it made me think twice. some poeple are really funny in their own character..I can just don't answer that particular call asking for the truth or even rejected it.But i choose not to cause i have to respect others especially when the person shares the same feelings as me. I "discover" that all those "advice" "tips" are just making he/she felt unsecure and bullshits!..mayb/probably he/she was refering to me..i'm not sure..but if its me, i am not offended at all. Cause you came to me asking for the truths and in the end you yourself felt unsecure..I didn;t call you in the past asking you bout the truth between both of you..Cause i don't blame anyone, cause i believe that it needs two hands to clap and make a sound and the trees won't sway without wind or if you don't shake it..You love him don't you? and i'm sure if you love him, you would trust him, rite? Why drag me into your love affairs?.I'm not mad or anything..Its just that i find you funny in handling you own matters..Here is what i've gotta say, be mature, think before you make any desicion and i guess you should have think even before you call me..Truths always and will always hurt.I don't want to hurt you nor him or even myself by telling the truth.There's just too many beans in the bags that you don't know, and i think with your kind of attitude, getting pissed off so easily, i guess, you don't even have to know..Cause even a simple word which brings different meaning to different people, will create a misunderstanding in you..Mayb/probably not only you but others.Bear no grudges nor hatred..I'm not creating an entry of misunderstanding or riddles for you to solve and get pissed off..Its just what i have to say all this while..I'm over with him..Its your time to experience him now..Remember that..I apologised if it really makes you misunderstand..

Many asked, am i still sore over my past relationship with Smoochy, the truth is, yes, i am..And its not something very exciting.I build tall, strong, thick walls made of love,loyalty,sincerity, care and the most important elements, patience and sacrifices,with my bear hands..i often pleaded with my softest voice my heart can meekly whisper.i prayed a small prayer everyday with big intentions hoping everything would come back. How can i forget you, when you are the first who sailed with me to land of Bermuda Triangle.its a big thing to give you the green light to sail with me in our boat.its our mistake.Our big mistake. I cannot imagined being someone's girlfriend after you..I just can't.I know you found my replacement even before we are apart.I owe you so much during our times.You will never know what i have gone through.This hot tears of pain that accompanied me while i wait for sleep to come, is here to stay every night. I've always said that i'll wait no matter what happens or when you are actually waiting for her,but now the wait is here to stay..I have no idea how long the waiting will last..I really have no idea.I take everything has God's challenge and punishment for me..This heartbreak,the torturing of emotions,mind and heart..Everything..and i thank God for still let me have my family to support me in getting up from this huge fall. You were always there for me when i fall but now, i have to get up on my feet on my own..I think, its really the time for me to really let you go..Away from my life but not away from my heart..
I'll take your words in the past, to make a comeback in life and come nearer to God..You will always be the most precious friend in my life..

Ya Allah, take me back in your arms now that i am free..Secure me with your love..Ya Allah..I've lost in your all your challenges for me..I surrender...
new skin, without the old memories, not even a bit...do wish me well in getting my feet back up..thanks for all those emails on well wishes..thanks soo much..
Ignore those past entries before this...i tried to delete them but failed..so just ignore them..don't even bother to read..it might develop a misunderstanding situation again..

2007-03-25T16:54:00.000-07:00

Days have been spent 2gether with Mr Smoochy.We went for a hair cut and wash 2gether.Sentosa. Looads of talking.1 word-sweet.I'll let the pictures to the talking.Uploading of Sentosa pics delayed.

i think this pictures should go as there's full of lies and not sweet memories to cherish them..might as well throw them away....

2007-03-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Di daun yang ikut mengalir lembut ,
terbawa sungai ke ujung mata .
Dan aku mulai takut terbawa cinta ,
menghirup rindu yang sesakkan dada .

Jalanku hampa dan ku sentuh dia,
terasa hangat di dalam hati.
Kupegang erat dan kuhalangi waktu,
tak urung jua ku lihatnya pergi .

Tak pernah kuragu dan selalu kuingat ,
kerlingan matamu dan sentuhan hangat .
Ku saat itu takut mencari makna,
tumbuhkan rasa yang sesakkan dada .

Kau datang dan pergi begitu saja,
semua ku terima apa adanya .
Mata terpejam dan hati menggumam, di ruang rindu kita bertemu.

move on....

2007-03-15T00:35:00.000-07:00

I take my life like a big huge piece of white cloth covered with bright wonderful colours and patches of dirts which i've created by mistake or purposely. Those patches are sometimes hard to get rid of. No matter how much i've tried to scrub it off, it gets dirtier. And so sometimes, they stay and leave a stain on it. One of those stains represent my love life.Not all my love life are horrible nor as dirty as those dirts. All happy moments have sad times in between. All smiles will turn around sometimes.Get what i mean.

I used to force "that love" that was once cherished soo much.That was once rolling over, but i tried my best to keep it up again.That was once, jumped over looads of hurdle,and we did our best to jump it together.But sadly, we didn't make it. The last hurdle was way too high for us. Never that i thought, "that love" was ripped into 2 after that. Its hard trying my best all this time to be the most perfect babe in those eyes. Yeh people say no one's a perfect.Even me.But i tried.In the end i fell in my own fantasy of wanting to be the only sugar-sweetheart in "that" little heart.

There will never be a second chance for us. "That love" that i see available for her was soo strong. I don't have the heart to stand as a piller stopping it from coming through. I just can't. Those tears that roll down are just a waste.No matter how many buckets full or seas i've cried, longing for "that love" to come back, i'll never have it back. Cause now i've realised that , "that love" was never mend for me.Never with me. Never for me and never "loved" me. How painfull it was, having to let go of "that love" for the second time. But this time round, it will never come back.I won't be hoping for it anymore. It's time now..It''s the time, i move on without " that love". But it will stay in my heart forever. I'm living without you baby.

Mak, we are not mend to be 1 like we used too. You are putting your hopes at the wrong situation.Mak forgive me for not listening to you,when you told me not to fall deeply in love.I regret and i felt the pain now.I apologised but forget bout "that love".He never loves your daughter like what you thought of. He was never with me.I guess. please don't pressurize me to that extend.If only you could help me get him back for me, but i know its impossible.Ask him.

F_____, how i wished you know how much he loves you.How i wished i could tell you that he really wants you. I wished i could tell you how he cried for you.I've never,never seen him cry this way.Consider yourself lucky to have such a wonderful person that really loved you soo much. Give him a chance to prove himself to you. Don't let him drown in his own love like me. Give him a chance to love you.Feel his love babe. He really loves you....I wish you the best and be strong Smoochy Friend. I'm always here for you as a friend that u consider.I hope.

It's just one thing to understand what's happening to me,it's time to be able to do something concrete about it.Everyone around me has advice, althought
most of it sounds the same-"You need to find someone else", "Time will heal the pain", "Accept what happened and move on".While many of these suggestions have an element of truth,it doesn't help to hear,them,while you're suffering,especially if they don't fit the emotions i;m experiencing at the current stage.In fact, the more "help" i get, the worse i felt and those well meaning advices starts to sound so cold or irritating.As i said, it's time for me to move on.I gotta be strong. I gotta.

Its time for a real entry...
Life--- Life is struggling trying to catch up certain things.Trying to recover from a fall.I've gotta MOVE ON.. Bike license on the way.Catch me the most sexiest and cutest( nyahahha) lady on the road.
School----1 week to 3 weeks of holidays.Apart from going out to certain places like the driving centre, Sentosa,East Coast and etc..., Here i come!!!! (nyahahah)..To that hot guy classmate in class sitting behind left of me, i like you.I've just notice you are cute and fresh...okokla...i admire you je..I still love my Smoochy Friend ok.
Book----Went to the library and borrowed this book tittled" When Your Lover Leaves You".Its damned hell fun...It tells you all the solutions to ease your mind and recover from those pains you are going through and to get up on your feet once again. Read it...

2007-03-10T21:28:00.000-08:00

i woke up at the right side of the bed and realised my mistakes..And so this entry should go but the screaming has to stay...those how missed this the previous entry..Too bad...

arrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh..
i jus felt like screaming out loud.....arrgh
AAARRRRGGGGGGHHHH
aaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhh

2007-03-08T12:47:00.000-08:00

God knows how i'm feeling now.God if ever you are hearing me, plz, give me the person i am before.Drain all this tears away.I just bear to cry anymore when i think of the love that you took away from me recently.Is this the results of my sins in the past? Plz, Ya Allah, bring him back to me.I'll promise i'll cherish and take care of him.I just can't live without him besides me.Who is gonna wipe this tears and cuddle me to sleep? If ever you are not giving him back to me, plz Ya Allah, take care of him and his wonderful family whom now i mizz soo much thta it hurts.Give them good wealth and health.keep him save from all evil.Amin.

TRUTH HURTS

2007-03-06T20:06:00.000-08:00

How embarassing it is to know that i was only playing my part all this while.
Playing my part to be honest and always bear in mind that you are always with me.
How silly i was to know that i was forcing you to love me all this while.
How silly it was to lie to myself all this while.
To lie to myself that i was actually trying to live in my fantasy land.
All this while i've realised that i have been forcing you to love me, force you to come back to me when i actually see that you have no love no more.
Now i see that the chances are getting thin.Love cannot be force nor push.

Those sleepless nights and no food intake that i've survived, alhamdullillah, are all a waste.How i wished those hot pearls that flowed down my cheeks, that you used to kiss, and company me till sleep comes, are now back again even now,after holding it back so hard even when it try to leak seeing those eyes of yours.I never realised that i'm no more that girl you used to call "Mama" ,no more that girl in ur life, especially in your heart.The truth always hurt.I've learned that yesterday.I apologised for making the same mistakes to you.I just need an answer.I've found it! And only 1 word that decribes it-relieved.

How i wished there's a stop button. So i could hit stop and everything would jus frooze and i could admire your face that i once adore.Then i'll hit play again, and acted like nothing happen.Act like you never enter my heart.There will be no more of those stops to that hall of yours where we talk things out, chill, joke with love, fell asleep and everything.I'm sure you don't want me anymore in that couch of yours.All those fairytales i dreamt of, will not really have an happyending.I regret not showing you enough love,i regret not taking care of you, i regret not listening to you.I have sooooooo much regrets in life.

I thank god,syukur alhamdullillah,God send me to you.Those little things that you do, make me change bit by bit, and you are the 1 who brought me to who i am today.I'm now standing here as a proud young lady, with confidence to live life to the fullest and turn those habits into trash. I thanks god, alhamdullillah, for giving me a chance to know your wonderful, beautiful character and family whom i shall remember all my life.I promise.Thank you for those days we spent together.Thank you and God.Alhamdullilah.

If ever you are reading this entry My Baby Smoochy, coz i never had a chance to tell you this , i just wanna say that no matter what happens between us in future, i'll still love and care for you.No one, and i mean really no one, can really replace that space that you used to sit in, in my heart, for the next coming years down the road.There's still alot of things that i ,used, to have to say, but now let it drift away with the time.There's other things i would want you to know during our times, but lets keep it private.You are ALWAYS in my mind and for sure my heart.I know you don't see how much i love you but really i love you and i'm proud to know you.I know saying "i love you"s does not prove anything, but really, i really do love you.Everyday i hope you will see that my love for you is really there in my heart, but sadly you can't.You are blinded by others love which i guess are stronger then mine.I thank you for whatever you have done to me.I appreciate them. Baby Smoochy, i've always wished you would take the risked and knee-down, holding my hands tight, staring at my eyes and say" i really love you".But i know it won't happen coz i've realised its all a fantasy of mine.I'll keep that kiss you gave on my forehead.
If one day,insyallah ,we get older,start our own family each and we are still frens like we are now, i would introduce my child to you and say, "this is mummy's first love,whom mummy love so much,Uncle ____ and you are to respect him all the times".I hope this is not one of my fairytales.

I have so much more to say to you. I still will wait for you with NO force this time.I'll let time take its course.

randomrandom

2007-03-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

Those scenes have been running through my mind everyday. Everyday. Scenes of you, me and that orange comforter of yours.It was so sweet.Really sweet.How i wished we could snuggle up together all the time.(Stop your imaginations!!!!!)

Life has been very very "beautiful".I was downed with a stomuch flu and a sore throat till now.When to a private doctor,spending 28 bucks for stress pills, digestions pills and a cough syrup which is now left is only an empty bottle on the kitchen table.As for those pills, they are still in my bag wherever i go. SO, now, no more stress.No more tension.No more "lembik" me. I've gotta be strong.I've gotta to let go of the past.I'm moving on.

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I'm not living life on my own but on other person rules and comments, another words, i live my life on what people say.You can't do this my love, you can't do that sweetheart, you can't be friends with that type of person my child, you can't talk to that guy dear, you can't spend your money on this, you can't wear like that, you look horrible today, why are you acting like a boy, you change so much lately, and loooooooaaads moore..All this little sayings and comments make me feel bad-ugly-horrible-just-like-norbit-the-movie.Really.i need smn to make me feel confident of myself.I waana be pretty like those near to me. Its deteriotating.seriously

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School.How's school? Its getting so much fun.But not that fun with a long schedules and assignments by assignments coming up.Its fun cause the holidays are just around the corner.!!! yeh!! but still i'll still miss my friends and not getting to meet my Mr Cheekyboy everyday. I''ll miss those freaks like Ayuni aka "papajahat" girl, Wawan aka "tanyejawabsendiri" guy, Akbar aka "partner-in-crime" ,Jackson aka "my-admire", and of course Mr Kassreal Alfi!!. Not forgetting my first love in life, my Mr Cheekyboy-Roydzuan. I need a work to fill in my time.Lobang anyone??!!!!

To my dear friend Mr_______, apologised for that last minute cancellation of our plans.I'm really sory.Mayb next time k. I apologised.

(Gelek dangdut)...

a day with you

2007-02-26T19:44:00.000-08:00

The weather seems to be reaching what my heart has been doing.Cold icy droplet was splashing on us as we sit under the big red umbrella with the logo "M" on it.We sat and talked enjoying our junked lunch.i let you do the talking cause i miz ,u telling those stories.the way you talk as you puff those tars in your bodies.i miz it.how i wished i could jus stop the time and stare in those eyes till the end of my life.

My eyes start its race from your sweet luscious pink lips,up the cheeks where i usually kissed and caress, then to your eyes which invites me wif no love anymore.i don't see the feeling of you longing me, wanting to hug me tight making me feel safe.now i realised the love i longed from you all tis while are slowly vanishing.i felt loveless at that point of moment.the surrounding felt so lubberly.

In the dark room,with big screen and air-conditioner on at full blast,which we sit in yesterday, flashed back to the moments of when we first catch a late night movie on new year.tat was the happiest day i had spent with you ever.Ever.how i wished we could repeat it this year.those happy moments we had.how i wished i could hear those hot breath whisper in my ears again.

now all i'm longing for is you.all i miz is your never ending love,your sweet whispers that always make me feel beautiful ,your soft caresses on my face that always make me feel warm, your kisses that used to wet my cheeks, your tight hugs that always make me feel loved and those gdnites"miz and loves you".how i wished we could be in the past where we don't make mistakes and are laughing all the time creating sweet memories day after day.Is our love journey are destiny to be tis way?

I hide all the grief and pain i was going through after those decision were made.Baby, i need you to support me from falling.i need you like in the past where u were always here with me. i don't want you to enter my life like a newly complete stranger.i know i are not gone completely from my life. you are jus far from my heart.i love you dude.i still and will always love you Mr CheekyFace

2007-02-24T16:49:00.000-08:00

it hurts me badly wen i realised i reali need u in my life.realli badly.