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Saturday, July 07, 2007
Getting beaten up by her, was painful.

Getting slapped by her, umpteen times, at this age, was painful and an embarrassment.

Hearing all those not true stuffs bout me, was painful.

Hearing her , accusing my friends, was painful.

BUT, to think back, what hurts me the most and very painful was to hear her say that I hate her.

Telling me to take the knife and kill her with my bear hands.
For me to shout and scream at her.
For me to “accidentally” say the that harsh word “CIB**”.
For me to “accidentally” say the word “ BAB*” , to her.
For me to make her cry and weep like that.
For me to stare at her face like that.

Ya Allah, I have been the most ungrateful, ill-mannered, rude daughter in the world yesterday.

I don’t know what come on to me.

What makes me soo mad at her yesterday till I say all that to her and made her cry.

Am I wrong to get mad over her just because she accused my friends?,
She accused me of doing nothing at home?
Reading my diary a few times?
Not trusting me?
For calling Ayah, everytime, I came home after 12. Everytime we fought, but not when those two other siblings did something wrong?
For always saying my past
I felt like Ayah only now bout ,my bad side, my ill-mannered ways.
Am I wrong to get mad to this woman who gave birth to me??

YES, I admit I’m wrong.

Yes, I was rude to her. Damned Rude!

How could I make up for all those sins yesterday ?

I know saying sorry and kissing her feet yesterday won’t makeup for all those sins.

How could I make her cry and weep like that bout me..

I don’t mind the sins of drinking alcohols, taking those make-me-fly drugs, having sex once a week.
But making my Mother cry and scream at her hysterically, is a very heavy sins in the whole wide world. Anything to do with Mothers, are heavy sins for me.

I have made the most dreadful sins in the world.

Ya Allah help me. Get me out of this uneasiness in life. Show me the right path to where I really belong.

Mak , I never hate you. Not abit. You are the first priority in my life. Never I had intended to scream/shout at you like that.
I am truly sorry..Really I am…