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Tuesday, March 06, 2007
How embarassing it is to know that i was only playing my part all this while.
Playing my part to be honest and always bear in mind that you are always with me.
How silly i was to know that i was forcing you to love me all this while.
How silly it was to lie to myself all this while.
To lie to myself that i was actually trying to live in my fantasy land.
All this while i've realised that i have been forcing you to love me, force you to come back to me when i actually see that you have no love no more.
Now i see that the chances are getting thin.Love cannot be force nor push.

Those sleepless nights and no food intake that i've survived, alhamdullillah, are all a waste.How i wished those hot pearls that flowed down my cheeks, that you used to kiss, and company me till sleep comes, are now back again even now,after holding it back so hard even when it try to leak seeing those eyes of yours.I never realised that i'm no more that girl you used to call "Mama" ,no more that girl in ur life, especially in your heart.The truth always hurt.I've learned that yesterday.I apologised for making the same mistakes to you.I just need an answer.I've found it! And only 1 word that decribes it-relieved.

How i wished there's a stop button. So i could hit stop and everything would jus frooze and i could admire your face that i once adore.Then i'll hit play again, and acted like nothing happen.Act like you never enter my heart.There will be no more of those stops to that hall of yours where we talk things out, chill, joke with love, fell asleep and everything.I'm sure you don't want me anymore in that couch of yours.All those fairytales i dreamt of, will not really have an happyending.I regret not showing you enough love,i regret not taking care of you, i regret not listening to you.I have sooooooo much regrets in life.

I thank god,syukur alhamdullillah,God send me to you.Those little things that you do, make me change bit by bit, and you are the 1 who brought me to who i am today.I'm now standing here as a proud young lady, with confidence to live life to the fullest and turn those habits into trash. I thanks god, alhamdullillah, for giving me a chance to know your wonderful, beautiful character and family whom i shall remember all my life.I promise.Thank you for those days we spent together.Thank you and God.Alhamdullilah.

If ever you are reading this entry My Baby Smoochy, coz i never had a chance to tell you this , i just wanna say that no matter what happens between us in future, i'll still love and care for you.No one, and i mean really no one, can really replace that space that you used to sit in, in my heart, for the next coming years down the road.There's still alot of things that i ,used, to have to say, but now let it drift away with the time.There's other things i would want you to know during our times, but lets keep it private.You are ALWAYS in my mind and for sure my heart.I know you don't see how much i love you but really i love you and i'm proud to know you.I know saying "i love you"s does not prove anything, but really, i really do love you.Everyday i hope you will see that my love for you is really there in my heart, but sadly you can't.You are blinded by others love which i guess are stronger then mine.I thank you for whatever you have done to me.I appreciate them. Baby Smoochy, i've always wished you would take the risked and knee-down, holding my hands tight, staring at my eyes and say" i really love you".But i know it won't happen coz i've realised its all a fantasy of mine.I'll keep that kiss you gave on my forehead.
If one day,insyallah ,we get older,start our own family each and we are still frens like we are now, i would introduce my child to you and say, "this is mummy's first love,whom mummy love so much,Uncle ____ and you are to respect him all the times".I hope this is not one of my fairytales.

I have so much more to say to you. I still will wait for you with NO force this time.I'll let time take its course.

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